Best reviews

473

  1. Neer Shelter · Script Doctor · 40,115 pts on When his liquor licence is stripped due to unpaid bills, a neurotic publican must win the local fishing competition’s cash prize, but when he realises he is competing against his abusive father, he must control his manic behaviour to out-fish him and save the pub he calls home. ★ Best

    The logline depicts a small English town vibe dotted with eccentric characters, the likes of which one would expect in The Full Monty. So, it's definitely achieving its objective on the tone front. On the plot side, the logline describes a main story to save…

  2. dogger · Oracle · 87,400 pts on When the sole survivor of a destroyed lifeboat is pulled aboard a sinking luxury liner, he is plunged into further chaos as the crew begins to abandon the doomed passengers of the SS Arctic. ★ Best

    Since your story is based upon an historical event, I suggest that the logline should include the date. I couldn't make sense of this version of your logline until I discovered from some online research that the precipitating event for the tragedy was a *collision*…

  3. dogger · Oracle · 87,400 pts on When he discovers a magical casino that duplicates any item he gambles, a blacklisted money mule must exploit it to extend an experimental medicine supply for his daughter awaiting a lung transplant, but when the hospital fails to find a suitable donor, he must gamble his daughter to save her life. ★ Best

    An interesting premise. But does the plot premise have to entail magic? Could it be realistic, like he wins because he's a card counter. And he's got to do it on the down low, win small amounts over time. Because if the casinos suspect he…

  4. Griffyn · Mentor · 643 pts on When an unhappy couple’s argument causes the man to storm out, he orders a service to resolve the fight on his behalf, unaware that a doppelganger is stealing his relationship in the process. ★ Best

    A couple arguing could imply that they're unhappy, rather than stating it twice. The first half is from the couples POV and the second half is from the man's POV. Consider picking one POV to make it read more consistently. Generally 1 POV is ideal…

  5. dogger · Oracle · 87,400 pts on After witnessing a deadly incident engineered by a powerful marshal, Raymond—an ex‑soldier—goes on the run to clear his name and expose the conspiracy, using his combat skills to fight back before the plot destabilizes the Expo-Event ★ Best

    So... what's the plot? That he's a threat is a static statement. Loglines should be *dynamic* statements. PROtagonists need to be PROactive. I pose a threat to a dandelion I see in my yard. What's my course of action? What specifically am I going to…

  6. dogger · Oracle · 87,400 pts on A socially deprived, true crime obsessed man becomes infatuated with a Jane Doe case, and documents his pathetic attempt at inserting himself in her story by solving the case. ★ Best

    Would you please clarify "socially deprived". Is he a socially awkward introvert/recluse? Or is he deprived because he lives in an isolated location. Or,,,? And does he do more than just film his personal investigation? Does he post it online, at a social networking site…

  7. Karel Segers · Maestro · 2,970 pts on Logline: After killing each other in a muddy ravine on Guadalcanal, a Japanese soldier and an American Marine awaken as unwillingly tethered ghosts and spend decades protecting the grandson born from their families’ impossible union—bickering across wars, cultures, and generations as they search for redemption and peace. Genre: Primary: Historical Fantasy Drama Secondary: War Drama / Supernatural Family Saga ★ Best

    This is a fresh and highly dramatic premise. Excellent! The two protagonists makes it complex, but not impossible. The structure works: two protagonists, a catalyst, an action, a conflict, a theme. But "unwillingly tethered" is a little clunky as an adverb-plus-adjective pair; "tethered against their…

  8. Karel Segers · Maestro · 2,970 pts on When the Sheriff of Sweetwater, Mars stumbles on a plan to destroy the town to make room for an illegal worm farm, he and his friends have to defend the town from destruction by a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate. ★ Best

    The structure works: we know who, what's at stake, who's against him, and what he has to do. Where it gets clunky: "destroy" and "destruction" come back three times in close range, and "destruction by a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate" is a passive construction; flipping it…

  9. Mark Scoles · Logliner · 150 pts on When an ambitious archeologist finds an ancient crystal engraved with a hidden message, he funds a secret sea creature who unlocks the message so his brain remembers the secrets of the Atlantis civilisation in the crystal, allowing him to release the Talisman Knights; the so called purveyors of ancient antiques; to release their grip on him. ★ Best

    Opening moment is strong, but mostly makes me want to watch Indiana Jones. Try and add a wrinkle to your opening that makes this feel more distinct. Seconding Jeremy's he must comment, will give some drive to the second half of this story. I think…

  10. dogger · Oracle · 87,400 pts on A “guinea pig” A US Infantry division, formed immediately after Pearl Harbor and populated with middle-aged draftees, becomes the most respected, effective and feared unit in the Pacific Theater, earning the nickname “The Old Bastards”. ★ Best

    Re: becomes the most respected, effective and feared unit in the Pacific Theater... As currently written, the logline gives away the ending, something a logline is not supposed to do. A logline should set up the dramatic problem, but not tip its hand about the…