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Revised: Desperate to prove himself worthy of his civil rights activist wife, whom he crippled in an accident, George obsesses about the JFK promise, turning into a delusional quest to prevent assassination.
★ Accepted
My SOP is not to read plot summaries accompanying a logline. Why? Because the logline has to stand on its own. It must clearly and succinctly state who the protagonist is, the objective goal, the antagonist (or obstacle) and what's…
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To settle a blood-debt for their fallen friend, three former Marines are pulled into the operation of a corrupt Chicago detective—only to discover they are pawns in a clandestine Star Chamber’s purge, forcing a violent reckoning with the past that created them.
>>> forcing a violent reckoning with the past that created them. What does that entail? That is, when they discover they are pawns in someone else's game, what exactly do they do about? What becomes *their* game plan? What becomes…
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After an accident cripples the woman he loves, a guilt-ridden young man takes on America’s scars as his own, risking everything to change the course of history and earn the love she freely gives.
>>>risking everything to change the course of history What does "change the course" of history *look* like on a movie screen? IOW: what is the specific, concrete, objective goal he wants to accomplish?
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Convinced that he murdered a priest he caught abusing a child, Henry fractured into two warring personalities, until the insights of his illness help him bring down a dangerous child-trafficking network.
The unique selling point in this logline is that the protagonist has dual and dueling personalities. But it's not clear to me how the duel complicates the effort to achieve the objective goal. Is one personality opposing and subverting the…
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1880s London: As an American assassin struggles with her dead father’s vengeful spirit, a mysterious cult attempts to brainwash her into killing Queen Victoria.
★ Accepted
In 1880's London, a mentally tormented American woman, brainwashed by a mysterious cult, plots to kill Queen Victoria. (18 words) The cult has to succeed in brainwashing her. At least temporarily to motivate the plot. I don't understand why this…
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Logline: After killing each other in a muddy ravine on Guadalcanal, a Japanese soldier and an American Marine awaken as unwillingly tethered ghosts and spend decades protecting the grandson born from their families’ impossible union—bickering across wars, cultures, and generations as they search for redemption and peace. Genre: Primary: Historical Fantasy Drama Secondary: War Drama / Supernatural Family Saga
As Karel said, particularly about the lack of concrete stakes. Intriguing premise, but the logline juggles too many balls and at 43 words is too long. Try pruning it down to the essential elements.
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A honeymoon meant to celebrate love turns into a nightmare when two newly married couples get lost in the remote wilds of Jamaica—only to discover that the deeper they go, the more they are hunted by a deadly force lurking within the dangerous terrain.
A pair of newlyweds get lost in the wilds of Jamaica and are preyed upon by a mysterious force. (18 words). That's the plot distilled to its essential ingredients.
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(REVISED.) When the reluctant Sheriff of Sweetwater on a colony of Mars stumbles on a plan to destroy the town to make room for an illegal worm farm, he and his friends have to defend the town he loves from a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate.
Clarification on "the reluctant Sheriff..." Reluctant to be a sheriff or reluctant to take on the soybean "maggot"? A picky point, I grant you, but every word in a logline must contribute to a clear, unambiguous snapshot of the plot.…
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[EDIT] A sheltered American teen, kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, is groomed first as his protégé, then as his bride — but when she discovers he was her late mother’s secret lover, she uses his methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
Clarification: my response applies to the "... she turns his brutal methods against him to seize his empire."
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[EDIT] A sheltered American teen, kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, is groomed first as his protégé, then as his bride — but when she discovers he was her late mother’s secret lover, she uses his methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
Better of the two, IMHO. And at 23 words in length, a quick and easy read.
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[EDIT] A sheltered American teen, kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, is groomed first as his protégé, then as his bride — but when she discovers he was her late mother’s secret lover, she uses his methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
Sorry, but [to mangle more metaphors] it seems to me this version of the logline is rather busy; it juggles so many balls in the air, it is difficult for a me to get a clear picture of the plot…
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[EDIT] A sheltered American teen, kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, is groomed first as his protégé, then as his bride — but when she discovers he was her late mother’s secret lover, she uses his methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
Another thought: How about "timid American teen" rather than a "sheltered American teen"? Shelter is her initial situation. Whereas timid is her initial character trait. Unlike "sheltered", it signals what her character arc will be as the plot plays out.…
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(REVISED.) When the reluctant Sheriff of Sweetwater on a colony of Mars stumbles on a plan to destroy the town to make room for an illegal worm farm, he and his friends have to defend the town he loves from a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate.
FWIW: I don't see anything in the logline that makes it *necessary* for the story to be set on Mars. OK, it's different--but is it absolutely necessary? Why is it the case that the plot wouldn't work on any other…
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[EDIT] A sheltered American teen, kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, is groomed first as his protégé, then as his bride — but when she discovers he was her late mother’s secret lover, she uses his methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
>>>discovers a shocking family secret Alas, vague. A "shocking discovery" is a standard plot device. If a logline includes a discovery, it should be revealed in the logline because the specific nature of the discovery is, or ought to be,…
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[EDIT] A sheltered American teen, kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, is groomed first as his protégé, then as his bride — but when she discovers he was her late mother’s secret lover, she uses his methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
For your consideration: When an American teenager is kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, she learns to use his methods to destroy him and seize his empire. (24 words) That, imho, is the essence of the plot. A logline is…
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“You can plan a wedding, a career, a thousand tomorrows… but peace? Peace just finds you when you finally stop planning.”
A (sort of) premise. But what's the plot?
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When the Sheriff of Sweetwater, Mars stumbles on a plan to destroy the town to make room for an illegal worm farm, he and his friends have to defend the town from destruction by a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate.
>>>an illegal worm farm So what? It may be illegal but how does a mere worm farm pose an existential threat? (Most people reading this logline assume worms are beneficial.)
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[EDIT] A sheltered American teen, kidnapped by a Bangkok crime lord, is groomed first as his protégé, then as his bride — but when she discovers he was her late mother’s secret lover, she uses his methods to destroy him and seize his empire.
An intriguing premise--but confusing (to me, anyway). And, alas, the logline is too long. "KISS: keep it simple stupid" and "Less is More" are 2 inviolate rules for loglines. The effectiveness of a logline diminishes after a certain length. As…
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As Judea fractures under Roman pressure, a paranoid client king orders mass slaughter to preserve power, while a meek couple suffers the brutal consequences of divine favor.
The logline juggles too many balls. An effective logline (one that makes an executive want to read the script) is succinct (30 words or less) and sells the sizzle, not the steak. What is the sizzle in your concept?
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After a shootout results in the death of a rookie, a decorated patrolman is blamed and exiled to the dreaded midnight shift for six months to prove he still belongs on the force. But his chance at redemption slowly unravels when a bitter veteran-once a close ally, begins to suspect the ‘real’ truth behind the rookies murder and threatens to expose it- forcing the patrolman to take desperate measures to salvage his career.
What the logline needs is more clarity and specificity. What is the (inciting) incident that gives the cop a chance to redeem himself? And what is the concrete, specific action he takes to remove the blemish on his record?
