3 reviews
You mention arranged marriage and also betrothed both in the same sentence - no need.
After falling in love with an outsider, a young woman flees an arranged marriage and the family who wants to enact revenge for her dishonor.
Please post re drafts in the same thread of the original, otherwise, you're hogging the front page. Also, you'll be able to track, more easily, the evolution of your concept and the logline.
This is an improvement on the last draft.
I think a re-word will help, my try:
After falling in love with another man, a naive Muslim woman in an arranged marriage must fight her betrothed to save her true love from being killed.
I added back in the Muslim description as it helps place the cultural background for the arranged marriage. Here is another option, in my mind far more interesting:
After falling in love with a Jewish man, a naive Muslim woman in an arranged marriage must fight her betrothed to save her true love from being killed.
See what I did there, bigger obstacles = better story.
Just a suggestion.
This is starting to shape up. I would try to add a more specific goal, are they on the run from the brother (Or fiance' from past loglines) and must reach a certain place? Are they trapped by the Antagonist in an enclosed space and must escape?
So, an improvement, now I would just clarify a little bit more on 'what' they must do.