griffynbachta

Penpusher · 84 points

216 points to Logliner

on When James finds himself infatuated with his coworker Cindy, he is torn by the sinister advice of the sentient food in his fridge and the feelings of love felt in his timid heart.

It’s an interesting premise, sets up a romantic story with a twist. The main thing I’d like to see in this Logline is James’s action that he takes in response to his infatuation and hearing sinister advice from sentient food.…
on (REVISED) When the newly appointed Sheriff of Sweetwater on a colony of Mars stumbles on a plan to destroy the town to make room for an illegal worm farm, he and his friends must defend it from a megalomaniac Soybean Magnate.

The character, plot and stakes are all here, but the wording could be revised to improve the logline. The location could use more clarity, is Sweetwater a town inside a colony or is it the name of the colony? How…
on When an unhappy couple’s argument causes the man to storm out, he orders a service to resolve the fight on his behalf, unaware that a doppelganger is stealing his relationship in the process. ★ Accepted

A couple arguing could imply that they're unhappy, rather than stating it twice. The first half is from the couples POV and the second half is from the man's POV. Consider picking one POV to make it read more consistently.…