by Nicholas P · Penpusher · 19 pts
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Needs work Stakes and urgency Specificity Causality and coherence
Don't keep secrets in the logline; spoil the movie to get a reader to check out the script. Reveal who the killer is or at least be less vague.
Strengths Stakes and urgency
Needs work Well-defined POV Clear, difficult goal Filmable incident Action, not decision
I think it needs more clarity around the killer. They're tailing the killer which makes it sound like they know who it is and they're gathering evidence, but that then makes hiding in plain sight redundant. Or the hustlers is tailing suspects to find the actual killer?
Whoever is leading the action should be the protagonist. The lawyer's minimal involvement compared to the hustler makes him seem like a side character. But in saying that, the logline is written from the point of view of the lawyer, so that is slightly confusing.
With the inciting incident: "dead bodies start piling up", this is a way to describe many murders happening over a period of time, not something that is actually able to be filmed like a literal pile of bodies, which I assume is not the image you had in mind? So my question is: what is the filmable event? If it is a body being found, what about this last body prompts the lawyer to hire the hustler?
If the hustler is your main character, then it's beneficial to write the logline with his hiring as the major event (call to adventure).
The goal also isn't clear in this draft. Why are they tailing the killer?
Strengths Filmable incident Stakes and urgency Specificity Causality and coherence
Needs work Clear, difficult goal Active protagonist Action, not decision Concision
This has possibilities. But I find the logline somewhat confusing.
So, the lawyer knows who the killer is, but outsources the plot goal to the street hustler? Who is the protagonist, the lawyer or the hustler? I suggest this point needs clarification.
And what is the explicit objective goal? To tail the suspected killer to what end? Collect enough evidence to arrest and convict him? Or is the lawyer in vigilante mode, intends to impose "street justice" because he can't get it through the police or the courts? Or...?
Also, a logline should raise a dramatic question implicitly, not explicitly. That is, it plants a question in a reader's mind without actually stating it.
