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by A_R_Road Logliner · 346 pts 614 views

Having been manipulated online by a maniacal and violently motivated con-women, a young, misguided Muslim is coersed toward instigating a melee terror attack at a busy London station.

6 reviews

Neer Shelter Singularity · 55,464 pts

"...Is it an issue that the goal of the MC is a negative one?..." - Yes. As previously noted, there's no reason for the audience to care about your MC as he is psychotic (coerced or not, that's what he is) and the goal is very negative.

"...these are not heroic characters..." - This begs the question, why should the audience want to follow these characters? And to that matter, why would any decision maker, in their right mind, want to finance the project?

You seem to be either misunderstanding or ignoring the definitions set out under the 'Formula' tab up top. You need an event to motivate the MC, that means that instead of having your MC "...develop(s) an obsession online..." you need him to be moved by something that happens in the world. For example, his family could be killed in a war-torn Middle Eastern country by British troops or something of the sorts.

Not sure how the "...a maniacal and violently motivated con-women..." fits into the logline, it's his story, not hers - her description seems extraneous and unnecessary. Young people are being radicalised all over the world by men and women most of which are maniacal con-people in their own way - they con others to do their dirty deads. Remove her from the logline and the story doesn't change, which means you need to remove her from the logline.

dpg Singularity · 112,231 pts

>>>he is coerced

Isn't it rather the case that he's manipulated?? How can she? coerce him via the internet?

Also, I'm assuming this is a fictional story, not based on an actual terrorist.? If so, the story must compete with reality, with real life stories of? psychologically vulnerable young adults manipulated by internet propaganda? into? joining militant causes .? Truth is stranger than fiction -- and more interesting and marketable.? Just saying.

fwiw

A_R_Road Logliner · 346 pts

Thanks for your response guys...

So working alongside the industry formula; off the top of my head, the framing would be better suited as something like this...

- When a young, British Muslim develops an obsession online with a maniacal and violently motivated con-women, he is coerced?toward instigated a terror situation on a London tour bus. -