Trying to clear a debt, a sport gambling lawyer has three days to locate what is believed to be a non-existent object while avoiding a watchful detective.

Perhaps you are correct.

My response is a matter of courtesy, not curiosity. Your tweaked logline does not induce me to want to know who/what it is, to wit, read the script. There still is no bait on the hook. Or rather, there's a mystery bait. I don't know what it is, have no idea how it may smell or taste, no idea whatsoever if what there is about it that I might find appealing. You expect me to accept on faith that I'm going to like it.

Maybe some will bite on mystery bait. I won't. If you think your tactic will actually enhance the chances of your script getting read, well, good luck -- because IMHO you're going to need it. One man's opinion.

You support my original decision to not include it in the log line because unless you read the script you won't know who/what it is. The struggle for the our protagonist, lawyer, is to locate something believed to not exist, the tony bill, and avoid the people who are protecting it.

I'm confess to being clueless: who/what is a 'legendary tony bill'?

Just say he's a lawyer with a sports gambling debt.

With four days to find the legendary tony bill, a lawyer and hotel clerk must avoid its guardians and a watchful detective.

ugh, no thats not right....perhaps its not important for the logline what kind of things hes gambling on...

maybe it should be " "...a gambling sports-lawyer..." or is that just as confusing?

Thank you everyone for your feedback and willingness to explain your comments. Definitely appreciated.

Raiders of the "what is believed to be a non-existent object"

Sorry for typos...damn iPad...

Just to add my two cents (and to echo others above):

A logline should tell your reader exactly what your story is about -- by giving us the main character, what they want and what stands in the way of getting what they want (well, that's the nuts and bolts anywho...); by neglecting to state the 'object' we, as readers, have no idea what your main character wants... There is no reason for us to care about the plight of your hero, and in turn, the story/ movie.

In the attempt for 'intrigue' you are sacrificing comprehension of the story via the logline. For me, a logline is 'intriguing' when I can immediately SEE the story because of a clear, succinct, and original plot with a sympathetic hero, which leaves me asking 'I want to see how this plays out/ how the hero gets what he wants (or not...)' ... I can't see this ATM because I have no idea what your hero wants (even if it's a mcguffin...)...

...and I'm confused about the reveal of his object of desire being a surprise at the START of your script... Do you mean that this reveal happens in the first 10-20 pages? If so, it's the inciting incident to the story, and have others have said, that is essentially the hook...and we don't know WHAT it is...?

Best if luck.

In Pulp Fiction we never find out what the object is.

In the case of this logline it's an object we find out about in the beginning of the script. If you are going to tell someone what the "Mysterious object" is in the first act, there is no point in keeping it out of the logline.

But whatever is in the briefcase (drugs, money, jewels, gold?) is not the central object, not the hook, not the focal point of the movie. There is no hint, no clue that it is "what is believed to be a non-existent object". It's just one prop gimmick in one of the story threads.

In contrast, the lead, the hook of this logline seems to be the unidentified object.

We'll this sounds interesting... It definitely makes me want to know more. I don't think you would necessarily have to reveal what the object is. It could be a major twist or something. I've never seen Pul Fiction (and I'm hoping I'm thinking of the right movie) but wasn't there a briefcase with something very important inside... And the audience never finds out what it is?

If your character is told he must find The Holy Grail, the Ark of the Covenant, or possibly a long lost machine by Leonardo Da Vinci. Trust me, it will be in the trailer of the film.

It is your lead.

Do you think that the object is so special, so unique, that once readers of the script discover what it is, they will be even more eager to make the movie? And if that is the case, wouldn't it enhance intrigue and interest to ID it in the logline? Why would you pass up the opportunity to spice up your logline, whet reader's appetite for the script?

I myself am dubious that a game of hide-and-seek improves the loglines prospects of actually getting people to read the script. To harken back to an old advertising slogan: "Where's the beef?"

I guess I am missing something here. If I don't want to necessarily give away this object why must it be stated? Isn't the point to create intrigue to want someone to find out what that object is? The focus for this script was to be about a gambler that has to clear his debt by locating something that may or may not exist and avoiding others in the process.

I am not certain if I understand the importance of mentioning any object, certainly not this one, if no one will know what that particular object is.