After reading a page from a spell book an incorrigible boy discovers a cursed princess trapped in a tree in his backyard. He must break the spell and save his father from his new girlfriend, the Witch.

Hi Tony
Nice work, thanks for the feedback.

Hi B8C --

Love this idea -- feel your pain as I've has a bit of a play and it's been quite a task to formulate into a succinct logline -- fwiw, below is my shot:

"A lonely boy discovers a fairy-tale princess stuck up a condemned tree at his local park and must set her free by destroying the witch that put her there? his Dad?s new beau."

I changed him from 'incorrigible' to lonely as I'm not sure how 'incorrigible' could relate to his goal -- regardless, best of luck with it... very cool :)

Sigh...this is getting a little frustrating. I can see it, just have trouble finding the correct words that work.
I'll sleep on in for a week or so and come back hopefully with some new ideas, I appreciate all the feedback, thank-you.

Hmm.

A protagonist can have a minor goal that is a necessary stepping stone [find the headpiece to the staff of Ra] to the major goal [recover the Ark of the Covenant]. But it is a taboo in modern screenwriting for the protagonist to have more than one major objective goal of equal import and not causally linked.

In the revised logline it's not clear to me what is the minor goal and what is the major goal. As written the boy seems to have two major objective goals: save the Princess; rescue his father. I presume the sequence is that the boy must rescue the princess from the curse [minor goal] in order save his father from the witch [major goal]. Or is it vica-versa?

Nor is it clear to me from the logline what the relationship is between the curse and the witch. I'm assuming it's the witch who put the curse on the princess. But the logline doesn't say that.

And, again, I have to make an assumption, that his ability to see her has something to do with reading a spell in a book. But I have no idea what the rule is in this alternate reality that enables the boy to see the princess by merely reading a book.

(And the general rule of thumb for sci-fi and fantasy genres is that a writer should only have ONE completely unrealistic/unscientific rule or gimmick introduced into an otherwise normal world. Any more than that will only confuse the audience. See "John Carter": Disney took a US$ 150 million write off on that gawdawful mess.)

So I have to ask: what is the protagonist's ONE major objective goal?

And what's at stake? That is, what is the MOST IMPORTANT thing the boy stands to lose if he fails?

I've changed a few things, the new logline is at the top...a bit long though :(

B8C

What is the connection between the bulldozing of the park and the princess trapped in the tree?

*The logline doesn't say the tree is in the park to be bulldozed.
*The logline doesn't say the Princess will die when the park is bulldozed.

The logline doesn't establish a clear causal link for the fates of the park, tree, and Princess.

>>>I?m having a little trouble trying to incorporate that the hero is the only one that can see her...

So the question lingers: how does it fall upon the boy to rescue the Princess -- can't everyone else see what he sees?

The logline assumes that people will easily and correctly make the necessary causal links. Maybe they will. And maybe they won't. I, for one, don't. The logline invokes an alternate reality with rules I don't understand. So I am unable to suspend disbelief.

Others mileage may vary.

fwiw

When a incorrigible boy finds a princess trapped in a tree.
He must break the spell before the Witch is elected Mayor and bulldozes the park.

Revised

"When an incorrigible boy discovers a princess trapped in a tree by a witch's curse. He must break the spell before the park is bulldozed by the spellbinder, the mayor"

or

"After a princess is trapped in a tree by a witch's curse. Her life is in the hands of a troubled boy who must break the spell before the park is bulldozed for a Mall.

I'm having a little trouble trying to incorporate that the hero is the only one that can see her...

I believe by just saying "boy" implies that he is young of age.
Thanks for the feedback.

I agree isabelle, 'Problematic' should be changed

Also, spells are broken, I would change the word 'released'.

And, Even though Mayoress is a word, a female Mayor is just a Mayor (Now days)

Finally I don't believe you need to say, "for a new mall" in the logline. Just saying the mayor is corrupt implies she is bulldozing the park for improper reasons. (No need to explain further)
----
How about this:

"When and incorrigible young boy discovers a princess trapped in a tree, he must brake the spell before a corrupt Mayor bulldozes the park."

Hope that helped, good luck with this!

Well...

A troubled boy must rescue a Princess -- whom only he can see - who is trapped in a tree by a sorcerer's spell, who will die when the tree is cut down to make way for a mall.

Klunky. And 39 words. Here's the madness in my method:

Stories of the magical and sci-fi genres often face an up hill struggle to persuade the viewer to suspend belief, to buy into alternate rules of reality that define the story world. It's a challenge to distill those alternate rules of reality into a logline, but occasionally necessary to do so.

'whom only he can see'

I'm explicitly stating an alternate rule that is only implied in the original logline. I mean, if everyone else could see the Princess, the kid wouldn't have a dramatic problem, would he?

'by a sorcerer's spell'

That emendation is to provide an answer to the question: who is the antagonist, the villain? I infer that the Princess's predicament is created by an agent with the power to trap her in the tree. The mayoress may be corrupt, but does she have that power? Or is the 'corrupt mayoress' merely a pawn, a dupe, of the agent with the magical chopes to trap the Princess?

'who will die when the tree is scheduled to be cut down'

Again, I make explicit what seems to be implied. This is to answer the question: what is at stake? Well, obviously it's not the tree's life -- it's the Princess's life. (Which I infer is linked to that of the tree.)

Oh yeah: suggested title "Tree of Life". (Recognizing that Terrence Malick's 2011 film was titled "The Tree of Life".)

fwiw

Awesome story! Great structure, very amusing, action packed. I want to see this film! Just tiny things- it'll be easier to read as one sentence and...

Don't know how set you are on the adjective problematic. IMO, a problematic boy would be unlikely to rescue a princess up a tree. He would rather enjoy being the bully, eg putting the princess up in the tree in the first place. A different adjective would fix this though.
All the best!