7 reviews
The way you have written your logline makes the plot sounds like a series of episodic events. What is the key question underpinning this story? It would be useful to make this come out in the logline. And as the other comments have stated, to redraft the logline form the protagonist's viewpoint, assumed here to be the 'misguided and socially frustrated young muslim'. Not sure which of these descriptions of the protagonist are pivotal to the story. Worth looking at which are the most meaningful descriptors from the story's perspective, and only including those. Is the violent female imposter the antagonist? What is the protagonist's objective or goal, and how does the antagonist get in his way?
Explanatory text such as ' this nerve shredding drama' is more for marketing hype than of value in a logline, so there is scope to reduce the length of your logline and focus it on the story itself - what does the protagonist learn or overcome in order for the film to reach its climax, what is the hook, and what is the story really about? At this stage, I don't see a clear story in it. Hope this is helpful. Good luck with it.
Agreed with Richieve and DPG.
I'll add that the different parts of your story machine don't seem to fit together.
How does the MC being misguided, socially frustrated, young, and Muslim all work together in creating an obstacle for him or a character arc? And what is his need or want or goal?
As Richiev said.? The industry standard is to compose the logline from the point of view of the protagonist.
And in this instance, "... a series of events...."? is general, uninformative.? We have no idea what the protagonist's objective goal becomes as a result of being manipulated. Indeed as currently framed, the main character is more puppet than protagonist, more acted upon than acting.? For better or worse, a protagonist must be proactive, not reactive, not responding to the actions and influences of others.
Consult? the "Our formula" link at the top of the web page for the guidelines for writing an industry standard logline.