When a hurricane kills a middle-aged man and his nephew, the boy?s grieving father must manage his wife?s deteriorating mental health and his company?s spiralling recession.

by tsalex20 Penpusher · 151 pts 485 views

4 reviews

Cajsa Penpusher · 87 pts

Try making the goal more visual. The goal ?must manage his wife?s deteriorating mental health and his company?s spiralling recession? is not something you can clearly see. How does he manage his wife?s deteriorating mental health and when has he succeeded?

If you make the goal more concrete you will have a stronger logline and also have a clear end to work against when you write the script. Don?t be afraid to spoil the end.

Richiev Singularity · 82,714 pts

What is the goal and what is standing in your lead characters way?

Neer Shelter Singularity · 55,464 pts
The narrative seems fragmented as the inciting, event, action and goals aren't directly connected to each other via a cause and effect relationship.

How is the company related to the grieving wife and son dying?

Best to rethink this story in terms of a singular narrative thread. If the start of the story is the son dying, the end of the story has to be a direct result of his actions in response to the son's death.