tsalex20

Penpusher · 151 points

149 points to Logliner

on When a SS General’s daughter falls in love with a Jewish boy in a concentration camp, they must stand out together to get back his family and help the Jews escape from the Germans.

Good start and good end. The middle needs more clarification though and was a bit too clunky to read smoothly. Perhaps using the buzzword of Nazi could enhance the engagement of introducing the protagonist. Here is an example:When the daughter…
on When exiled from his town, a duplicitous man must confront his identity.

1. More character information. Can't picture or realise simply a duplicitous man. Give him more substance and uniqueness. 2. Needs a more developed conflict 3. Higher stakes 4. Needs tangible action 5. There's no plot here - got to be…
on In the aftermath of a close friend’s suicide, five U.S. Navy sailors conspire to rob a local loan shark who they believe was responsible for his death.

Love the concept. 1. Make the protagonist a single character from which the point of view is established (In which case I would perhaps consider entirely omitting the other four navy men) 2. It could be about seeking revenge rather…