5 reviews
I agree with Dkpough1 and Eethan: ?eliminate the telepathic phone from the logline. ?It is likely to derail ?a reader's attention from the story. ?The first reaction will be "WTF is a telepathic phone? " instead of "What is the story about?"
Why is the point of the telepathic phone? There are enough natural vectors for viral infections, ones that require a lot less exposition to overcome incredulity than explaining what a telepathic phone. (Like mosquitoes). ?I get the pun on the phrase "going viral" but what is the dramatic point of the telepathic phone?
Once I get past the gimmick, I find the actual plot intriguing: ?a woman who has lost hope in the future, withdrawn from a world she believes is ?going to hell in a hand basket must become engaged again -- at least in her small corner of it -- and struggle to defeat the spread of the virus.
"When a virus spreads through a small town making everyone dangerously impulsive, an apocalypse ?prepper? must stop preparing for the world?s end and find a cure to save her town."
Better. But cut some words out.
Example:?When a deadly virus infects her small town, an apocalypse prepper must find a way to cure it and stop it from spreading.?(~23 words)
But what specifically does she do? In my earlier example, I said use the supplies she's hoarded. Is it something similar? Must she find an uninfected doctor? What is it?
What DPG said.
Also best if you add a clearer description of her goal and action.
How will she?save the town? Design a cure? Find the source of the virus? Find patient zero?
What she actually does?in the story needs to be described or eluded to in the logline.