I sent out a pitch to two seperate production companies. Both passed on it. I need help writing one that will work.

Ian, is there anything else that I need to do with my pitch?

I added the rewrites you suggested.

You can read my script on scriptbuddy.com.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titanic_(disambiguation)

I am going to make the adjustments as soon as I can. That part about Liam being the ine who came up with the Submarine gave me another "what if" idea. Thanks.

Just wanted to say, that Valentin -- that took some time and effort...serious hats-off. Way beyond the usual expectations of contributors here.

Presario2200 -- Valentin gives sage advice, particularly in terms of reading screenplays, and the more like the genre(s) you want to work in the better. Look for what works... And particularly for what doesn't; then, apply that to your own work.

Read, read, and read some more.

Best of luck.

The reason why it is called the "Titanic" is because it is the world's biggest submarine at 1,601 ft. long and 13 decks.

The name of the film is Titanic: D. S. V.

Set between 2001 ? the present?; Titanic D. S. V.? mixes the following:
1. Action
2. Drama
3. Light Comedy
4. Military
5. Naval Procedural
6. Police procedural

I never said that it was going to be a two hour NCIS episode.
It is a feature film.
However, I would be willing to concider it if they ask.
I want to invite them to be in it.
If they decline, I can simply change the names of the NCIS characters and a few scenes.
I intend to use the same format that NCIS uses.
I never claimed to be a professional writer, that is why I have been asking for help.

I have read the pages that you have uploaded on http://www.scriptbuddy.com/community/?p=4291536089&t=&pg=.

Before commenting the text itself, a couple of notes.

Somewhere at the top of the synopsis, you should mention what the script is: movie, TV pilot, TV special episode, web serie, etc.

As your script is obviously a two hours special episode of NCIS, please add a reference to the show.
You should also add a disclaimer regarding the ownership of the characters as the web site http://www.scriptbuddy.com erroneously marks you as the owner.

Regarding the formatting itself, you should use the same kind of presentation that NCIS does. Here is a link to a past episode: http://leethomson.myzen.co.uk/NCIS/NCIS_6x22_-_Legend_pt1.pdf

Now on the content itself.
Please do not take it badly, but it is terrible.
You break every rules that scriptwriters are expected to follow.
It make you look amateurish and that is the last thing you want.
Like you said with regard to your submission, is that they read your synopsis and a couple of pages and decided that it was not good enough. By not following the rules, you did not even give yourself a chance.

You must have heard of the phrase "show don't tell". Here are the first sentences of your script.

[quote]
Dr. Samantha Ryan awakens from a nightmare.
Since 2012, she has tried to get her life together with the hope that her ex husband, Liam, would never come after her again.
She has a seemingly perfect life with her teenage son Parker, and a job at a private school for children of government employees.
However, Samantha is far from happy, as the tragic events from 2012 still haunt her.
[/quote]

You are telling the story, rather than showing us in a script sense.
If you want to keep things short, describe a montage. Pictures of a once happy family Dr Samantha Ryan, her husband Liam Dunham, their son (birth, 5 years birthday party, holiday ...). FBI Surveillance picture of Husband paying a hit man. Murder scene of bloody victims. Husband abusing and threatening her. Arrest of the husband taken away in handcuffed. Picture of a Witness Protection relocation folder with Dr Ryan and her son. Newspaper clip mentioning the collapse of the trial on a technicality. Picture of the husband being released, then of him and his lawyer giving a press conference.

If you want to keep the nightmare metaphor, change those sentences into the description of a real nightmare. Dr Ryan is at home cooking an apple pie for her teenage son coming home in his private school uniform. Then the husband enter and terrorise them. As he is choking them, she wakes up, screaming sweating.
SHOW, DON'T TELL.

You tend to forget to introduce characters. The second scene is a case in point of two talking heads ALLE and LIAM. Who are they? Liam was mentioned in an episode of NCIS, but I don't think that he was shown. Readers and viewers are unlikely to remember him.

In real life 80% of communication is non-verbal. Do the same in your script, give information by what the characters do or not do. Instead you use dialogue as information dump. Information should be inferred not dumped.

[quote]
PATRICK
The United Earth Defense Command
(U. E. D. C.). It is a global
coalition of countries created
following the death of Osama bin
Laden. It is connected through the
United Nations Security Council.

PATRICK
I. M. T. A. C. is our
International Multiple Threat
Alert Command.

PATRICK
It was decided through the U. N.
Security Council that a better way
was needed to fight against the
growing problem of terrorism and
piracy.

PATRICK
In order to better cross share
information with various security
agencies and countries throughout
the world, the U. E. D. C. was put
together to fill that need.
[/quote]

It looks like for sure you like your acronym.
All you had to say was:

PATRICK
Unfortunately criminals do not stop at frontier.
The United Earth Defense Command or UEDC,
is a trans-national security agency under
the command of the United Nation Security Council.
We fight mainly terrorism, cybercrime, and piracy.

Half the number of lines to give exactly the same information.
Even that rewrite could be better done via a proper dialogue between two persons.

Here is another example of information dump taken from the second scene.

[quote]
LIAM
There was a time when the ocean was one of many battlefields.
Vessels sailing the deep seas in international waters and later,
submarines under the same deep-seas.

LIAM
Well, now we have the United Earth Defense, and this is what the U.E.D. has created. Now they want more in the name of peace and harmony. We have to do something about the Titanic...

LIAM
and my lovely ex-wife.

[/quote]

All of that just to say:
On the TV show, a journalist is reporting on the maiden voyage of the new USS TITANIC. State of the art submarine.
LIAM
That submarine was my project.
They screwed me over. They will pay.
(pause)
And so will my lovely ex-wife.

BTW: do you really believe that somebody is going to name a brand new boat or submarine TITANIC again?
There are names that carry so much bad baggage that nobody in their right mind will choose them again.

If you use existing characters, make sure that the voice you give them is the same than the serie. In NCIS, DiNozzo may be a man child, and acts like some immature frat bully boy toward McGhee, but he is also very good at his job. Toward outsiders, he may be sarcastic, but he is also very professional. I can't see him joking in the presence of senior military personnel.

You need to go back to basic.
SHOW DON'T TELL: describe the action not the inner thought.
TALK DON'T DUMP: More dialogue (two peoples talking). rather than exposition.
NOT ON THE NOISE: use irony, subtlety in your dialogue rather than explicit dialogue to convey feeling.

Read the sample script and compare with yours.
Rewrite your following the same format.
Buy a book on how to write a script, because you make so many basic mistakes, it is painful to read.

I published the first twenty or so pages of my screenplay on http://www.scriptbuddy.com.
I would appreciate it if anybody could review what I did so far.
I am sure others would appreciate your thoughts as well.
This is not spam.
This is a legitimate message.
Thank you very much.

The following is what it says on their screenwriter community page.

Read and review screenplays written by Script Buddy users. If you would like to publish your screenplay here, click the "Publish" icon when your screenplay is loaded in your Script Buddy workstation.

In a message dated 6/23/2014 7:08:56 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, marty@greenlightmymovie.com writes:

Hi George,

Not every company is going to like your project. It's a lot like dating. You have to find the right partner.
That said, have you reviewed all of our free help here..?

http://www.greenlightmymovie.com/industry-insight/

I do not see that your pitch has irony in it, which is important. In fact here are the 3 most important elements it needs to have:

1. irony
2. wow factor
3. a problem your hero cannot walk away from without dire consequences.

Let me know if you have any questions. I know there are a lot of services out there but I assure you this is what is needed.

Best,

Marty

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My response -

1. Which form of irony? I came across different types.

Types Of Irony http://typesofirony.com/

From what I am reading, a "situational irony" would be the fact that a government agent, trained to stop threats to national security, ends up being a threat, not just to national security, but to international peace. Concider how Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker turned to the dark side in Star Wars Episode three.

There is also a "dramatic irony".

An example of dramatic irony is in a movie where a detective does not know that the criminal responsible for the crimes in the city is his partner. The audience, however, is already aware of this fact and waits anxiously to know what will happen once the character finds out what they already know.

There are three stages of dramatic irony:

Installation ? audience is informed of something the character does not know about
Exploitation ? using this information to develop curiosity among the audience
Resolution ? what happens when the character finally finds out what is going on?

Installation ? The protagonist in this movie, Mr. Liam Dunham, is not aware of NCIS Agent Eleanor "Ellie" Bishop.

NCIS Agent Eleanor "Ellie" Bishop.
http://www.ncisfanwiki.com/page/Eleanor+%22Ellie%22+Bishop

EIDETIC MEMORY -
http://search.aol.com/aol/search?enabled_terms=&s_it=client97_searchbox&q=EIDETIC+MEMORY

Exploitation ? Will Mr. Dunham find out about Agent Bishop?

Resolution ? what happens when Mr. Dunham learns that a young federal agent was able to beat him at his own game by using information provided by government sources, including personal information provided by his ex wife Dr. Ryan, after communications was able to be reestablished on board the submarine?

Consider how experienced Jedi were unable to stop Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader in Star Wars Episode three, but an young inexperienced Jedi named Luke Skywalker, was able to use the Force to destroy the Death Star in Episode IV and, albeit, indirectly, stopped the Emperor and Darth Vader.

2. What more of a "wow factor" is needed? There is a nut job determined to seek vengeance against his ex wife, even if it means causing an international incident in the process.

3. This was already pointed out. "With her help and psychological skills, several government agencies use their resources to stop him because they know that if he is not he will be an international threat." What is more dire than the possibility of an international crisis? Remember that Malaysian airliner that is still missing. Remember a movie called "The Poseidon Adventure"? The survivors had to try to save themselves.

"Basically, they just made assumptions without asking for further information..."

Yup -- that's pretty much what WILL happen -- and why a logline needs to succinctly cover all potential plot holes. Most of the feedback that I can see you have received from folks here in regards to this movie/ episode has alluded to potential issues with the interpretation of the story via the logline.

Anyway -- best of luck with any future revisions, hats off for tenacity, and you should feel at least some satisfaction that they made the time to reply with feedback -- even this can be a rare thing... I hope it helps in pointing you in the right direction for future revisions of the logline/ story.

In a message dated 6/23/2014 4:56:10 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time, no-reply@greenlightmymovie.com writes:

Dear George Pierson,

Thank you for allowing us to review and consider your project "Titanic: D.
S. V. ".

Please find our response below.

Response: This is a pass for us, because; Plot is flawed.

Comment: I can't get a good sense of what the protagonist, Samantha, is
doing during this movie. It seems that for the most part she's stuck on a
sinking submarine and she can't do anything about it, and after that, other
people do the work of tracking down and capturing Liam. From what I'm
reading here, Samantha and Liam never even speak to each other in this
entire movie! That's not effective drama, the audience needs that sort of
catharsis for this story to be worthwhile..

Best Regards,
1984 PRIVATE DEFENSE CONTRACTORS

Basically, they just made assumptions without asking for further information.
Amongst other things, they automatically assumed that there is no contact between the two of them.
There is.

- Titanic D. S. V. -

Dr. Ryan's room

Dr. Samantha Ryan: (enters, throws uniform onto bed, looks at reports on desk, pushes a button on remote)

Liam Dunham: Dr. Samantha Ryan. Welcome back, I missed you

Dr. Samantha Ryan: Oh, my God! How did you get here?

Liam Dunham: It was Mr. Buchannan. He was really quite remarkable.

Liam Dunham: I am here because of you, Samantha. I am here to take from you what you tried to take from me.

Dr. Samantha Ryan: What are you talking about, Liam?

Liam Duncan: (on screen) I am talking about regrets, I am talking about running away from yourself. Now look at us, Samantha, we are not kids anymore. How much time do you think we have left to make a difference?

Dr. Samantha Ryan: (slams door angrily) Oh, please.

Liam Duncan: (angrily - on screen) Thirty-five years ? that is how long we have known each other. Now, you treat me like a stranger. No, worse than a stranger. Moreover, I want to tell you that I think it stinks.

Liam Duncan: (on screen) Samantha, I am not going to sit here and deny the fact that I might have misled you.

Dr. Samantha Ryan: Misled? How about why? Just tell me, why you did it.

Liam Duncan: (on screen) Because if I had not, you might have died.

Dr. Samantha Ryan: What are you talking about, Liam?

Liam Duncan: (on screen) I am talking about regrets, I am talking about running away from yourself. Now look at us, Samantha, we are not kids anymore. How much time do you think we have left to make a difference?

Dr. Samantha Ryan: Oh, please.

Liam Duncan: (on screen) Now that is the truth. You have too much left to offer. There is too much left you can share than to spend the rest of your life hiding.

Dr. Samantha Ryan: That is your opinion, and it does not justify kidnapping.

Liam Duncan: (on screen) I am sorry. My methods may be flawed, but my intentions were the best.

Dr. Samantha Ryan: Right, very big of you. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Liam Dunham: I am going to enjoy watching you die, Samantha.

Liam Dunham: Good-bye, Samantha. (Screen goes blank)

Dr. Ryan contacts the bridge and informs the Captain of the message.

What Valentin said. Alas. It's a freaky, Catch-22 business.

Persistence comes from people telling you what you cannot do.

Persistence come from people telling you that they are looking for the right fit? when they cannot properly articulate what they want.

Persistence comes from people who forget what it was like when they started.

Persistence comes from not giving a damn.

Now, I sent out a pitch to two separate production companies. Both passed on it. I need help writing one that will work.

Gene Roddenberry did not give up.

George Lucas did not give up either.

I have to admire your persistence.
Despite everybody telling you that you have a good concept for a thriller on itself and that you should concentrate on that, you keep pushing for an episode of NCIS.
Let me spell it to you.
IT AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.
Outside of their own script competition, TV shows never accept unrequested fan episodes. Too much legal issues. Not enough time to read every fanzodes.
Do you know whether they even like your script?
Maybe you should pay for a script review, so somebody would tell you if with a movie rewrite your script would be considered.
If you want to convince that you have the talent. Write your movie. Participate to script competition.
Maybe somebody will like your script and be passed to a TV studio executive.

You do what you have to do for family.?

Liam Dunham: Dr. Samantha Ryan. Welcome back, I missed you. Liam Dunham: I am here because of you, Samantha. I am here to take from you what you tried to take from me. Liam Dunham: I am going to enjoy watching you die, Samantha. Liam Dunham: Good-bye, Samantha.

Former government agent Liam Dunham is determined to kill his ex-wife Samantha Ryan by any means possible, even if it means causing an international incident in the process.

Samantha Ryan is a woman and a DoD Agency Director determined to protect her son from him, the estranged and monster of an ex husband.

He is after her for sending him to prison several years ago.

Their son Parker and Samantha?s sister are in danger.

They have been in protective custody since Mr. Dunham was let out of prison.

He discovers that she is working on board the titular vessel.

Therefore, he uses that as a means to an end.

He has one of his men plant a virus into the computer system of the Titanic so, when it is out to sea, they will be helpless to do anything about a rescue.

After his employee puts in that virus, Liam kills him to prevent any connection between him, his employee, and the Titanic.

However, the body is discovered the next day.

Because of their skills in computers and forensics, a government Federal agent and a Forensics Scientist are both assigned to the Titanic.

Now, she is on the vessel.

Because of national security, Dr. Samantha Ryan is not only on assignment to see how an international crew can work together, but her actual job is classified to protect her.

During the trial runs, everything starts out smoothly.

In fact, the Forensics Scientist not only discovers that one of the other scientists on board was from her home town of New Orleans, but is the same one she tried to help when she was ten years old and the girl was nine. The next day, while continuing tests, minor ship systems start breaking down, even though they are state of the art. Repairs are made, but nothing significant is determined.

Later that day, while computer diagnostics are being run, a technician discovers an unknown virus. When he tries to secure it, the virus starts a system wide breakdown. All major hardware becomes unresponsive; propulsion, communications, et cetera.

The Captain orders a threat assessment and wants to know what is going on. As he is having a meeting with the department heads and other representatives, a prerecorded message appears on all monitors from Liam Dunham explaining what he wants. The Captain wants to know who and what he is. Dr. Ryan explains what is going on.

Her husband is after her for sending her to prison several years ago. Her son and sister are in danger. They have been in protective custody since Mr. Dunham was let out of prison. Does she have the technical know how to stop him? No, she does not. She primarily has advanced psychological training. However, she knows how he thinks since they were married and worked in the same department when they met. She knows what he is capable of doing. He was sent to prison for a very good reason. She also knows what will happen if he is not stopped. Failure is not an option. The man is simply a psychopath. With her help and psychological skills, several government agencies use their resources to stop him because they know that if he is not he will be an international threat.

The crew of the Titanic barely manages to get communications up and running to send out a distress signal back to the states.

United States Federal agencies are put on alert to find and capture Liam Dunham.

While held in interrogation at a Federal Agency, Liam Dunham comes face to face with the very man who not only killed the one who had him freed from prison, but also was in a relationship with his ex-wife at the time.

However, he is not finished yet, he plans on playing chess with these people.

They still have to search and rescue the people on the Titanic.

Once they secure communications, Dr. Ryan reports everything she can about the psychological profile on Liam Dunham.

In the mean time, the crew are doing everything they can to get the ship up and running so that they can raise the vessel back to sea level.

The Chief Engineer reports that they will be able to raise the vessel, but it will be some time before they are top side.

The Navy sends rescue vessels to their last reported position.

Later that evening, the Titanic is towed into port with all hands reported safe.

The boat returns to Norfolk, VA. We see that everybody on board are worn out, but survived. Dr. Ryan is shaken up over the experience. However, she is assured that her ex husband is now in a Federal prison. Agent Gibbs, while not happy at all with what happened is happy to see Dr. Ryan again and that his own team members are safe. Because of Liam Dunham's incarceration, Gibb's and Samantha still have a chance to continue where they left off if they wish.

Thanks.
Ok, whatever you feel needs to be done.
I always use my word processor and check for grammar and spelling before sending important information out.
Ok.
I am trying to write a script. I have a web site called SCRIPT BUDDY to help me write it. I have a book called "The Scriptwriter's Bible" that I am trying to use. However, it's like reading a user's manual that contained no pictures.
It would be better if I was working with a professional writer.
Assuming the movie does well, I want it turned into a television series.
If a TV series was green lit, there would be plenty of stories available from military personnel, (M*A*S*H worked that way.) and an abundance of social issues. (Gene Roddenberry, who created Star Trek, got a lot of story ideas from what was going on in his day, such as racism.)
However, this will not be turned into a science fiction series, and it will definitely not promote immorality.
Made in America.
The theme for the movie is about family.
The theme for the production end is that you do not waste good. Hire good and fun people.
"If you are not having fun, then something is wrong." Pauley Perrette interview.
"You do what you have to for family" - Mike Franks, NCIS Episode - The Spider And The Fly.
Liam Dunham (the antagonist) was in prison "for a very good reason". He got out of prison on a "technicality".
Samantha Ryan (the protagonost) is the ex-wife.

Ok, let's talk "hooks". The military personnel is mostly filled with United States Navy submariners. The Civilian wing is filled with personnel from all over the world. Remember 911 and that airline that "disappeared". What would happen if the Titanic was dead in the water because the computer systems were lost?
Consider this:
The Mariana Trench is the deepest point in Earth's oceans.
The bottom there is 10,924 meters (35,840 feet)
The length of the Titanic, to date, is 488 m ( 1,601 ft.).
List of world's longest ships - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

As far as qualifications go with respect to this project, I am just a "Probie".

Thanks Presario. Here's how I'm going to critique this... I'm going to copy out (below) the elements of your query letter that I think belong in a query letter. Then, I'm going to add my suggestions for improvement. If there's a section of your letter that I didn't copy and critique below, it's because I don't think that section belongs in a query letter. Producers want query letters that are short and well written. Yours is already short, but I think it can be even shorter and at the same time pack a much bigger punch.

A couple notes before I begin: 1) This is the first of your work I'm reading. I don't know if there's a script, I don't know if there's a series outline; 2) You say that this is a series, but I don't see plot points here that lend themselves to a 10-12 episode arc (or even 3-6 for mini-series or British TV). The presentation here feels like a feature, so I'm going to critique it as such. If it is a series, then, instead of presenting your biggest story hooks in the middle section below, give us one paragraph for the pilot, followed by one sentence for each of the following episodes.

-----

You do what you have to do for family." [I put this at the top because opening with the theme or a strong quote from your main character makes for an intriguing opening. It baits us for the interesting world you're about to present. Use this, or replace it with a better opening line, like a line of dialogue that shows the strength/psychopathy of the antagonist Liam Dunham.]

Former government agent Liam Dunham is determined to kill his ex-wife Samantha Ryan by any means possible, even if it means causing an international incident in the process.

Samantha Ryan is a woman and a DoD Agency Director determined to protect her son from him, the estranged and monster of an ex husband.

[Good one sentence setups of your protag and antag and their goals. We see that this is a high-stakes game, and that's good. The problem is, I started off thinking Liam was your protag. Then, as I read on, it felt like Samantha was your protag. Liam fits the profile of a villain better, so I'm going to assume that Samantha is your hero. If that's the case, open with her, and stay with her perspective throughout.]

He discovers that she is working on board the titular vessel. Therefore, he uses that as a means to an end.

Now, she is on the vessel.
Her husband is after her.
Her son and sister are in danger.
Does she have the technical know how to stop him?
No, she does not.
However, she knows how he thinks.
She knows what he is capable of doing.
She also knows what will happen if he is not stopped.
Failure is not an option.
The man is simply a psychopath.

With her help and psychological skills, several government agencies use their resources to stop him because they know that if he is not he will be an international threat.

[This section, beginning with "He discovers..." and ending with "...will be an international threat" is where you should place a dozen or so of your most interesting/entertaining/provocative plot points, or "hooks." Get VERY specific. Yes, you are going to give away the best parts of your story here. There are going to be spoilers. But remember, your objective here is to get a producer so excited about your project that they buy it, because they know they can stir that same excitement with the studios or actors or additional funding sources. So, tell them WHY they should be excited. "And then Samantha does THIS; and then Liam does THAT." And they're like, "OH MY GOD, this is awesome. We've got to get this on a screen."]

Before your contact info at the bottom of the letter, I suggest ending with a sentence or two about what makes you uniquely qualified to tell this story. Were you in the Navy? Had family who was? Do you have knowledge of these vessels because X? Etc, etc.

Good luck!