Where screenwriters learn the form and logline their screen ideas.
Red Vendetta
Ok I will rewrite and re-post thanks.
Simplify, simplify, simplify. For loglines, less is almost always more.
haha no he's not smuggling money because its his patriotic duty.There is a reason for its not just greed, but isn't that too much to include in a logline? or maybe i should take out the smuggling of the money as it might lead people to wondering how its linked
Ooops I just read what I wrote, a minor change: Him instead of himself :) a bit less confusing that way.
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When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a CIA plan to murder him and his ex-squad-mates, the team must kill their assassins and smuggle 100 million to Cuba.
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When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a CIA plan to murder hims and his ex-squad-mates, his team must kill their assassins while figuring out how to smuggle their families out of the country.?
I think I will attempt to shorten your version of the logline only changing a few minor details.
Your logline:
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A dishonorable discharged solider is torn between the love for his country and vengeance when he stumbles upon a future murder plot of himself and his military brothers by rogue CIA agents. The team must pull their skills and resources together to kill their assassins in order to smuggle 100 million to Cuba.
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Shortened logline:
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When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a CIA plan to murder himself and his ex-squad-mates, the team must kill their assassins and smuggle 100 million to Cuba.
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However, the end of this logine does need to be changed, I do believe DPG's correct, the smuggling aspect of the logline is out of place.
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"When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a CIA plan to murder himself and his ex-squad-mates, his team must kill their assassins while figuring out how to smuggle their families out of the country."
Hope that helped
Also: why do the rogue agents want to kill the protagonist and his gang? That's a reveal for the story, not the logline, of course, but right now, I'm trying to unpack your story and connect the dots, figure out how each piece relates to the other pieces and to the story as a whole. Because when I say I don't understand what the story is about, I'm saying I don't see how all these elements are causally connected. What is the causal link between the rogue assassins and the smuggling? And what is the causal link between the dishonorable discharge and the rest of the story.
My definition of a plot is a conspiracy against the protagonist with a lethal threat aimed at the bulls eye of his character flaw. You defined your protagonist's character flaw as his patriotism. If that is so, then the plot should be how he is in danger of being taken down and out by his patriotism. But I see nothing of that in his objective goal ---he's smuggling mucho dinero to Cuba because he feels it's his patriotic duty?
fwiw
I can understand and sympathize with why they would want to kill the assassins -- to save their own lives -- but at the moment I don't understand and sympathize with why they want to smuggle the money.
Speaking for myself, I am not interested in heist movies where the protagonist is in it only for the money. The operative word is "only". I have no problem with a protagonist wanting the money, but I do have a problem if he's stealing or smuggling or whatever for no other reason than sheer greed. Consider "Ocean's 11": The reason Danny Ocean selects the 3 casinos to rob is that the owner, Terry Benedict, has 'acquired' his ex-wife, Tess; he still loves her and wants her back. A pivotal player in the plot, Ruben Tishkoff, wants revenge for Terry forcing him to sell out his casino -- and then demolishing it. The two are not in it just for the money.
So why does your protagonist want to smuggle $100,000,000? To Cuba, no less.
Does this work better?
A dishonorable discharged solider is torn between the love for his country and vengeance when he stumbles upon a future murder plot of himself and his military brothers by rogue CIA agents. The team must pull their skills and resources together to kill their assassins in order to smuggle 100 million to Cuba.
This is still too long and I am not sure what to take out? I feel everything in there is needed to understand the story. Do you understand the story now?How do you feel about the story? Is this a story that would interest you?Does it make you want to know more?
First of all, you can save a word by omitting the name of the protagonist. What movie executives are looking for in a logline is a description of character -- at this stage in the process, they don't care about his/her name. So "a dishonorablly discharged soldier" is sufficient.
Second, I think you need to refocus the objective goal. As presented above, your protagonist seems to have 2 objective goals, 1] smuggle money, and 2] kill assassins. But by definition, a plot is about one objective goal -- not two or three or four.
A story can have all kinds of complications and intersecting story lines, but a logline has to be about the plot, about ONE and only ONE story line, about the ONE primary objective goal, the clothes line on which everything else hangs.
Your protagonist can be both smuggling and killing. But one has to be subordinate to, in service of the other. One goal is merely the means to the end, the objective goal of the plot. So either he has to kill the assassins in order to smuggle the money, or he has to smuggle the money in order to kill the assassins. Which one is it? What is the protagonist's primary objective goal, the clothes line on which all the other story elements hang?
Ok DPG, does this sense more sense to you?
Deacon a dishonorable discharged solider is torn between the love for his country and vengeance when he stumbles upon a future murder plot of himself and his military brothers by rogue CIA agents. The team must pull their skills and resources together to smuggle 100 million to Cuba while trying to kill their assassins.
I know this is too long for a logline (54 words) its suppose to be 35 words or less. I don't know what to add or take out. How would you rewrite this? And does this sound more clear?
I didn't include why the Cia want them dead because that would be giving too much away.That was apart of the mystery. But please let me know what you think.
Does these two make more sense?
When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a future murder plot of himself and his military brothers by rogue CIA agents. The team must pull their skills and resources together to defeat their assassins.
When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a future murder plot of himself and his military brothers by rogue CIA agents. The team must pull their skills and resources together to smuggle 100 million to Cuba while trying to kill their assassins.
Or I need to include why they are wanted dead. I not sure if I want to include that because thats apart of the mystery.
Thanks Richie.I assumed that telling what the plan is would make it long. So please look at these two logline and tell me what which you feel works better.
When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a future murder plot of himself and his military brothers by rogue CIA agents.The team must pull their skills and resources together to defeat their assassins.
When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a future murder plot of himself and his military brothers by rogue CIA agents.The team must pull their skills and resources together to smuggle 100 million to Cuba while trying to kill their assassins.
You want your logline and script to stand out from the others but for the right reasons. I agree with what DPG and Richiev said before. Your logline is too long, but still too vague and also incorrect.
Too long, because usually logline should be less than 35 words. Yours is way above that count.
Too vague, as it does not say why the CIA want them dead. Who are those people? Obviously former military personnel, but then why was he discharged? What kind of discharge: honourable, dishonourable, on medical ground? What are they to stop the chase? I am assuming that they will not just hide forever.
Incorrect as the CIA is not legally authorised to operate on US soil. DHS, NSA, FBI can. So if you absolutely want to use the CIA, indicate that they are rogue agents. If you don't people will just assume that you didn't and haven't made your homework. Straight away, you're projecting a bad image to your script reviewer.
Due to the lack of info, I have forced to invent things in your logline rewrite.
When former navy seals stumble on a plot to frame them for the murder of an anti establishment presidential candidate, they must race across Miami to prevent her assassination by rogue CIA agents.
>>> I can list several movies with similar concepts.
The CIA openly operating in the US of A? Please do.
>>>His weakness is the love for his country.
Now, that has possibilities. A character flaw is an attribute that hobbles and threatens to destroy a character not just in the 1st Act but also through most of the 2nd Act. It pays off with either a last-possible-minute epiphany/reversal that saves the character in the 3rd Act --or failing that, is the decisive cause of his failure and demise (when it's a tragedy).
That kind of character arc would be what hooks me on the concept -- not the situation. And therein lies my problem with your logline (in addition to the lack of clarity as noted by Richiev). It's not that I don't like the idea. It's that it seems to me that the situation is a rather standard trope: innocent citizen is shocked! shocked! to discover that his government is corrupt and conspiring against him. That kind of situation is done all the time in movies of the similar genre. The question is: how does your story do it differently? In what way does your story stand out as a fresh take?
Right now, I don't see what that fresh take is. Others' mileage may vary on that point.
fwiw.
Let's try to break this down, maybe that will help:
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"After the discovery of a file containing orchestrated events that lead to a discharged solider and his military gang?s demise..."
When they discover the CIA's secret plan to kill them
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"...The crew must race against time through the downtown streets of Miami to escape the CIA?s manhunt, leading to a series of unexpected events, including murder."
This is a chase scene and isn't needed in the logline
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Bounded by this ill fate the gang must pull off their notorious plan or risk the reality of dying.
Their Notorious plan to what? What must they do? This is the meat of the story and we don't know what it is, therefore we don't know what the story is about. The CIA wants to kill them and they must (?)
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So with both loglines I have posted you still have NO IDEA what the story is about?Perhaps you just don't like the idea.And you stating that the CIA hunting down people in Miami is not credible, is not true nor is it fact. I can list several movies with similar concepts. People have different opinions I can only learn to appreciate it.Thanks nevertheless
The evidence wasn't just simply just left around, it was leaked. The evidence are the characters, they are the only souls left who still pose a threat to the truth and the characters are not all so innocent themselves.Deacon is very patriotic and at times is torn with the decision of leaving his country, but when he remembers his reality and the unjustified death of his brother whom also served in the military he's torn in between his patriotism and vengeance.His weakness is the love for his country.