Claude McIver

Recent reviews

• on A promising young writer finds her perfect story in a guy who struggles to find some sense in his own life, she will have to decide who gets the happy ending: her career or herself.

  Yeah you should emphasize the irony more. What kind of writer is she? It could be an interesting angle if she is a biographer, or trying to break in, and scores an assignment to write the biography of, say, the…

• on A SWAT team is lured into a high tech death trap by a genius villain who is also disguised amongst them.

  Any logline is going to leave the reader with questions. The point is do the questions make them want to read the script/watch the film to find the answer, or do the answers (by virtue of the questions) seem uninteresting…

• on A SWAT team is lured into a high tech death trap by a genius villain who is also disguised amongst them.

  Yes, as we know the rule in Hollywood is "something familiar but different" (and the Usual Suspects is almost 20 years old at this point, more than fair game.) With this angle, I would pitch it as The Usual Suspects…

• on Learning his wife may have survived a deadly inter-planetary war, a devoted husband's fight to find her becomes inspiration for one last stand against human extinction.

  Ditto what was said above. The "fight to find her" could be expanded into the actual 1st goal/plan of the protag. For instance, maybe he is an engineer and builds a ship that can go to the alien world or…

• on A bullied teenage boy from Dallas reluctantly agrees to a camping trip with his estranged father in West Texas and is magically transported back to the 1890s, where he meets his great great grandfather and helps protect his family farm from murderous cowboys.

  Relationships are two way streets. The idea is that the boy doesn't want to repair the relationship. He's pissed and resentful (and a teenager) and he just wants to get through the camping weekend as fast as possible so he…

• on After majority of the towns population is mysteriously turned into Zombies, a video game and comic book loving slacker is forced to fight for his life, when he ventures out to the shopping center to retrieve a video game that he pre-ordered a week before the outbreak.

  The general idea is interesting but the logline has too many details. I would only include the shopping mall if that's the main location (i.e. he gets trapped there for most of the story). Then you could try: "A die…

• on A SWAT team is lured into a high tech death trap by a genius villain who is also disguised amongst them.

  The inciting incident is the team being called to the trap (a warehouse with hidden high tech traps). The why, I think, is irrelevant at the logline level, as it's likely the least interesting thing. One touchstone film for this…

• on A SWAT team is lured into a high tech death trap by a genius villain who is also disguised amongst them.

  I updated the logline to bring the villain into focus.

• on A bullied teenage boy from Dallas reluctantly agrees to a camping trip with his estranged father in West Texas and is magically transported back to the 1890s, where he meets his great great grandfather and helps protect his family farm from murderous cowboys.

  Jim/dpg, the idea is that the boy has character growth from his adventures in the past but also connects to his family history which puts him in a position to repair his relationship with his father. (for instance, maybe the…

• on A SWAT team is lured into a high tech death trap by a genius villain who is also disguised amongst them.

  I picture this something like Expendables meets Cube. Meaning, I see more of an assemble cast than having specific leads. But that's also probably a cop out ;) Like Cube, there isn't a justifiable reason per se that they are…

• on After residents of a small town are quarantine by the military, the adult male residents begin to show signs of pregnancy – with something that might not be human.

  Thanks everyone. Yep, this is a premise not a logline. I need to think about what angle to take to make it more specific.

• on A narcissistic womanizer finds the tables turned when a curse makes him irresistible to men. And the only cure may be consummating a gay marriage.

  Thanks for your thoughts everyone! The "cure" is an idea that the protag would consider when trying to figure out how to break the curse, among other things. It could be that it's not true and his sleeping with another…

• on An isolated English teacher in pakistan falls in love with his student only to be kidnapped by the taliban, his only chance of winning his love and life back is to teach English in 10 days to Osama Bin laden's successor.

  Interesting idea. What I can't get over is why kidnap someone to make them teach English? (Perhaps Al Qaeda just wanted to shut down the school but when they find the teacher they realize they can put him to use?)…

• on During the 1300's, an alcoholic priest en-route from Bethlahem to the Vatican losses all of his writtings in a drunken bet. His understudy has just a few days to create a story that will change the world.

  This seems like a tough story to crack as you could offend people very easily, especially if you make it seem like what's written in the Bible was created on a lark by a drunken priest. An angle that I…

• on Upon returning to her family home for her Grandfather?s christening, a head-strong young woman and her suspicious foreign fianc? must prove their relationship to the assembled guests ? including an undercover agent from the Immigration Office!

  The grandfather's christening did make me go What not Wow. If it could be any event that gets the couple and the immigration officer in the same room, then leave it out of the logline, it's not relevant. I don't…

• on A human test subject’s pursuit of freedom put’s his life in jeopardy when he interferes with a narcissistic scientist’s hunger for global mind control.

  Here is a take that addresses how the protag may go against the mind control plot: "The first human test subject for a global mind control conspiracy discovers an immunity that makes him the only one able to stop it."…

• on Otherworldly occurrences and unnatural incidents stem the blossoming relationship between a bookish teacher and the mother of one of his problem students.

  The conflict is pretty vague and there is no stated goal. Here is a version that gives the couple something interesting as a starting off point and suggests a possible answer to the unnatural incidents. "A widower teacher and his…

• on After following a trail of clues that began with a cryptic E-mail, A tired middle-aged family man must enter a hidden world of supernatural mystery to save the soul of his childhood friend from an ancient secret society bent on hiding their existence at any cost.

  I think Luke nailed it but here is another take. Here I wanted to suggest the focus be on why saving the childhood friend's soul is important to the present story, and the protag's family. The cryptic email is a…

• on An alcoholic preacher witnesses abnormal behavior from his neighbors and must reclaim the faith he lost to battle dark spirits and the urge…to kill.

  Does it really matter what their jobs are, and their vice/state of mind? Also, I'd keep the mystery about the whispers as secret for as long as possible since most will assume they are from ghosts/spirits. "Two neighbors find their…

• on In NYC, two dishonorably discharged soldiers must rescue the mother of a comrade they killed overseas from human traffickers…to reclaim their honor.

  This is a very interesting idea. But what if they were not dishonorably discharged? What if they were honorably discharged, not held accountable for a friendly fire incident that they feel immense guilt for. This would give them more motivation…