A SWAT team is lured into a high tech death trap by a genius villain who is also disguised amongst them.

>>I actually hate loglines

I know the feeling, but that's the reality of the business.

And I agree with you that more important than a logline that perfectly conforms to a standard template is one with an irresistible hook. (And is short. Short is non-negotiable. Hollyweird suits have neither the time nor the attention span to read plot summaries.)

I just don't see that kind of hook in this logline. Others' mileage may vary. One reason is that the logline doesn't make clear to me who the protagonist is. Thanks for clarifying your thoughts on that point.

I appreciate the challenge of committing heresy, departing from the unholy canon of dramatic dogma to create an unrepentant villain as the protagonist. It is doable -- because it has been done. My take is that Keyser Soze is the protagonist in "The Usual Suspects". (The detective's investigation is a framing device.)

I agree with you that writing a story and character that is an exception to the rules can be difficult to encapsulate in an enticing hook, extremely difficult to sell. And if that is what you assay to do -- may the odds be ever in your favor. ;-)

I agree -- it might be fruitless to aim for a perfect logline... but you should be aiming for one that not only entices someone into wanting to see your film produced, but also shows off your chops as a writer -- i.e. -- you're using the logline to pitch in written form to get them to at least choose to read YOUR movie above the squillion others in their inbox... and to do this, above all, you need to show your ability to structure a logline -- because if you can't, how can they have faith in your ability to structure a 100-110 page screenplay (and in turn, invest their precious time and truck loads of cash in backing it)? ...it's like the first few minutes of a job interview -- the most crucial -- you blow the first few minutes you blow the interview. That's just this hacks opinion anyway...

For me, a good logline entices because of a clear and original STORY with an interesting protagonist at the helm... and again, at the moment this is a SCENARIO (as others have also mentioned), possibly an interesting one, maybe not startlingly original, but kinda cool -- but not a STORY... which is what a logline should express in under 30 words... or, in other words, it falls kinda into TAGLINE territory...

Any logline is going to leave the reader with questions. The point is do the questions make them want to read the script/watch the film to find the answer, or do the answers (by virtue of the questions) seem uninteresting and not worth exploring.

I actually hate loglines because even a great logline is not perfect. It's going to leave out something interesting, something that may entice one reader or be superfluous to another. So my goal isn't a perfect logline, that's impossible*. It's to have an enticing logline.

*Though i would define a "perfect" logline as one with the fewest words and greatest hook. But that could take different forms.

Yes, as we know the rule in Hollywood is "something familiar but different" (and the Usual Suspects is almost 20 years old at this point, more than fair game.)

With this angle, I would pitch it as The Usual Suspects meets Cube. The only thing it has in common with the former is the idea that villain is disguised in plain sight the whole time. Ideally, the audience would not know this going into the story. I don't know if my villain would be considered the protag, he isn't going to change. Who is the protag in TUS? It's not Soze. It's Chaz Palminteri's characters, the detective.

I am considering the idea that our two main characters on the team are father and son, who end up seeing each other in a different light by the end of the ordeal. With the son perhaps behind revealed to be the villain behind it all.

Also, it's an action/horror instead of being a crime drama like TUS. The other interesting differences would be the found footage aspect (from wearable and helmet cams on the SWAT team, as well as hidden cameras in the building) and the methods by which the characters are killed (the Cube aspect). Obviously I can't get that all into a logline.

..."not a film" = not a FEATURE film...

;)

Hi Claude McIver

"The why, I think, is irrelevant at the logline level, as it?s likely the least interesting thing."

IMO -- the 'Why' doesn't have to be worn on the sleeve of the logline but it certainly should be evident through it... Without a clear reason behind a main characters action(s) (or at least a hint as to their motives), including a villain's, as a reader your simply left scratching your head, and any nifty spellbinding gimmicky tricks won't help a films marketability.

A couple of other points that might be worthy of note:

The current logline reads as a description to the set-up for a scene, or at most a sequence...not a film, unless it's a Short, which I'm assuming it's not.

Your villain is reading as the main character -- and sure, a film can be from a villain's POV, but what stands in the way of the villain achieving what he wants? It seems waaaay too easy for him atm.

Best of luck.

>>Why is Keyser Soze doing what he does?

Like your villain, Keyser Soze was luring the other to their doom. (The drug heist was a cover so he could kill the one man who can identify him. Soze had a motive.) And like your villain, Keyser Soze, was disguised as one of them.

So the gimmick in the logline seems to have been cloned from "The Usual Suspects". What's new in your story? What makes it stand out from all the other story lines about an arch villain plotting to kill some good guys?

Is the villain the main character, the protagonist?

The inciting incident is the team being called to the trap (a warehouse with hidden high tech traps).

The why, I think, is irrelevant at the logline level, as it's likely the least interesting thing.

One touchstone film for this idea is Saw. Why is the villain doing that he does?
Another is The Usual Suspects. Why is Keyser Soze doing what he does?
Would those answers to why be in the logline?

I think one should be curious as to the why of the villains plan. But if you are saying the logine fails to hook you without knowing why the villain is doing this, that's a different issue to address I think.

Curious if you like this better:

"A revenge-seeking criminal mastermind lures a SWAT team into a high tech death trap while secretly disguised amongst them."

But why is he luring them in-- what's the inciting incident?

I updated the logline to bring the villain into focus.

I picture this something like Expendables meets Cube. Meaning, I see more of an assemble cast than having specific leads. But that's also probably a cop out ;)

Like Cube, there isn't a justifiable reason per se that they are in this situation. But one angle that I am exploring is that the villain is getting revenge or trying to punish corrupt cops.

More thinking to do!

The logline also need to have a justification why the criminal want to kill them one by one. A bomb explosion would be so much more simple and quick. I need a reason to believe.

As richiev said. Maybe start with "the hero of the story (SWAT veteran/raw recruit/soon to retire) and 10(however many) other swat members descend on..."

Needs a lead character in the logline. Otherwise this isn't a logline so much as a situation.