While being pursued by police and a protection team, David Porter must find the legendary Tony Bill to pay off a gambling debt; or he's dead

The Tony Bill

10 reviews

bryson 0 pts

RobbRoss thanks for your feedback. Certainly good comments to add along with the others. Currently working on a stronger logline.

bryson 0 pts

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

Kriss Tolliday 0 pts

I agree that the revision is better and flows more so than your original post. I like the idea that the Tony Bill is kept vague as feel this could be the twist of the story. People will think it is a person and it turns out it's not. Maybe the log line needs a little rewording so it captivates a reader a little more but I do think you are on the right lines.

jjb 0 pts

I like the alternate version. Tony Bill is a legend in the world you are creating, I don't think it matters that we don't know who he/it is.

timmyelliot 0 pts

I like the alternative better.

Personally, unless you're planning on including a side-note with the logline explaining that "Tony Bill" is not a person, but an object, I'd suggest using a different description that's less confusing.

bryson 0 pts

The Tony Bill should be looked at as an object that if obtained he can use in exchange for his debt. Don't want to reveal any more than that about it. Finding the Tony Bill is a substitute offer to free him of his debt.