timmyelliot

Recent reviews

• on Trapped inside a deadly house of mirrors, a copy-cat killer suffering double vision becomes the original killers next victim.

  It feels like the logline is your hook. It feels like a good first scene: you just dropped your hero into a nasty situation... and I'm with him... I'm in that house of mirrors with a killer stalking me... and...…

• on After the gruesome murder of his wife, a man takes the only logical choice he has; become the monster that destroyed his life. wearing the faces of his victims, the town goes into a frenzy to figure out who is the man behind the masks.

  ... when I first read it, I thought it was a comedy with him thinking his only logical choice being something ridiculously over-the-top. If you are handling this straight, then I'd agree with mmckean.

• on When a talented college football kicker goes undrafted, he falls into the world he has been trying so hard to get away from, the mob.

  Personally, this logline isn't grabbing me. The hero is too passive. He seems spineless. It's about things either being done to him (being undrafted) or things happening to him (falling). I guess the hero's goal isn't clear to me either.…

• on After a grisly string of murders, a museum security guard suspects the recent acquisition of a mysterious Egyptian artifact.

  Is this the whole thing? I remember a previous version that was more than just a hook. Tor Dollhouse and SydneyPaul had made some great comments on that previous one about goals and stakes.

• on Following the arrival of an ancient Egyptian artifact, museum employees begin to get murdered one by one. Now, a security guard who is dissatisfied with her job must solve the murders and catch the killer before she becomes the next victim.

  I really like SyndneyPaul and TorDollhouse's comments.

• on To overcome her performance anxiety, a renowned classical pianist pursues an anonymous affair with a man who is sharply skilled at erotic knife-play.

  I like nicholasandrewhalls comment. I think you should set the story around a particular event, e.g. terrified of auditioning for the role of [blank], instead of the vague "performance anxiety." Focusing on performing at a particular event will allow the…

• on After being accused of murder, a na?ve secret agent searches for answers, only to find herself completely unequipped for life outside her sheltered little world.

  It seems vague. It doesn't feel like you're telling me the story, but describing the conventions of the genre. You know, a thriller is about a naive "everyday person" who gets thrown into a very dangerous world.

• on To overcome her performance anxiety, a renowned classical pianist pursues an anonymous affair with a man who is sharply skilled at erotic knife-play.

  I love it. Her performance anxiety is fear-based, so she engages in a form of fear play. For me, it's unique and interesting. It almost reminds me of "Girl on The Bridge," but, if I recall, knife-play in that film…

• on After critiquing a bunch of other people's loglines, an optimistic screenwriter must improve his own poorly written ideas or wallow in unemployment forever. But what seems like a simple task soon reveals itself to be much harder than first anticipated …

  I hope your optimistic screenwriter eventually wins. Good luck!

• on A lieutenant?s assignment to turn an antiquated battle cruiser into a traveling museum is interrupted when he and members of the original crew are the only ones in range when a colony is attacked by alien raiders.

  I like it. It works for me. I'm not too big on the title. It feels overused, especially for such an interesting story as yours. "Old Soldiers Never Die" evokes General Macarthur's speech (even though it predates him).

• on In a distant future ravaged by war, a secret society stages a fake alien invasion in order to unite the world's warring factions.

  I have an idea of the setting. I don't know anything about the protagonist or even about the conflict. For instance, the main character could be a filmmaker who is creating the fake war (Wag the Dog) or it could…

• on \\\"An 18 year old army recruit wakes up in modern time from a Vietnam era secret experiment set in Puerto Rico, that intended to train soldiers via Virtual Reality. He now suffers from distorted perception and PTSD, which introduces him in a quixotic journey trying to find reality and prove his experience, against US Army attempts to dissuade him.\\\"

  I believe it is hyphenated, like this "18-year-old." I like the ideas. I know you have an idea for an original story, but the logline needs a more tweaking. To me, it comes across as a Jacob's Ladder knock-off.

• on A successful attorney returns to his home town for his mother?s funeral only to discover that his Alzheimer?s-stricken father is suspected of murder and must represent him in court. The ordeal becomes an emotional journey that makes him a better man.

  I like the story. Actually, I found myself repeating much of SydneyPaul. I think he nailed it with his comments... "only to discover" feels overused. The last sentence is unnecessary. A character arc is expected. Telling us he's "successful" isn't…

• on An eskimo with a thirst for human flesh accidentally steals the identity of a popular quiz show host, leading to a one-of-a-kind spectacle of blood, blubber, and cash prizes.

  I love it, great title.

• on In the time of a great civil war, a young man is positioned in a tower alone where he must fight for survival with very few supplies, and a sniper rifle.

  I like it. In a good way, it reminds me of the 90s fad, when every premise seemed like it started with "...Die Hard n a [blank]..." I think mentioning the particular civil war (Irish) would help. Int his case,…

• on A fast-talking drifter recruits a supernatural team to help him steal Pandora?s Box from Lucifer, in order to be reinstated as heaven?s Angel of Darkness.

  I love the idea. A supernatural version of Ocean's 11, Magnificent-Seven-Samurai.

• on An attractive young hustler sets out on her usual night of picking up men to drug and rob blind, until she meets a man who?s seen it all before.

  I like the situation so far. The hook works. So what happens? What's her goal? What's the stakes? So far I just see a description of the first scene.

• on A lonely night time worker, at a weather station, has gotten tired of his pathetic life, whose wife and children don?t even respect him, when suddenly he meets a woman at work who will change his life for the better ? and the worse.

  I understand the worker's desire. I have a strong idea of his motivation. What's his goal? I assume the stakes are the wife and children (but it could also be his job). I don't think you need the first two…

• on When a mysterious organization starts hunting down a self-loathing shapeshifter who doesn't like using his powers, he and his reluctant girlfriend – the only one that knows his secret – are forced to either take them head-on or die trying.

  I don't see how writing in the passive voice helps you. Your main characters also act passively ("don't like using powers" and are "reluctant" until "forced"). So, with that said, the protagonist is really the mysterious organization. It's doing things.…

• on When six conniving high school teachers, who are best friends, go on their annual lakehouse bender, things begin to spin out of control when two inept goons show up inquiring about a missing briefcase.

  This is very complex. Your asking the reader to juggle four clauses (with three different subjects) and three adverbal phrases. I'd toss out at least a third of your details. Sure it's all good stuff, but it's a lot to…