When two trains collide in her small western town, a brave young woman takes charge ? and in the process meets a man who could change her life forever.

Hi dpg

The collision occurs due to a faulty switching between the Empire Builder and a freight train coming from the opposite direction which derails as they are crossing, somewhere between Rocky Mountains and Chicago.

Jean-Marie

If the setting is in the modern day American West, it would be more probable for a train to be derailed than for a collision of 2 trains to occur. (And the train would be far more likely to be hauling coal or oil than passengers. There are only 4 east-west passenger rail routes left in service west of the Mississippi River and passenger volume is small.)

Thank you very much Valentin.

This is a good premise for a next story.

This script is already written, re-re-re-rewritten, contest winner and re-re-re-rewritten, but not yet sold or optionned. The title and the logline are the current ones and I don't like them very much.

The title (An Indian Summer Tale) seems a little flat, and the logline don't tell exactly what producers and executives want to know, I think.

Maybe they match together and with a good poster they would be a good hook for the audience, but this is not enough for now.

When a passenger train derails near a small rural town, the sherif's obedient daughter volunteers to coordinate the rescue, only to realise that in order to save a trapped traveller she must confront her unhinged father and escape from his psychological cage.

Still a little too long, but at least now you have everything:
Protagonist: obedient daughter
Antagonist: unhinged sherif who had psychologically caged his daughter
I have changed his profession from rancher to sherif as it implies local power.
She can't turn to the authorities as he is the authorities.
Inciting event: train derailment
Stake characters: trapped traveller
Maybe the logline could mention that he is a potential love interest.
However making him a love interest could also detract from the coming of age process.
Make the trapped traveler the victim of a domestic violence who was trying to escape her husband.
Husband who has been told of her predicament and is now on his way.
That would add another time aspect and potential resonance to the daughter situation.
Theme: transformation, self realisation.
Tag line: in order to save him/her, first she has to save herself.

Hi guys.

Thank you very much.

How about this please:

"When a dramatic train crash allows her to meet the man of her dreams, a remarkable young lady breaks away from her overly protective father"

Hi AHStitt

Very good comment: you put your finger right on the blank in the middle of the sentence!

Thank you very much.

Hi dpg,

So my story takes place in the present day in an America West rural area!

(but this count 10 words which is many in a logline)

Jean-Marie:
About:
>>just as rural? instead of western

So your story takes place in a rural area, not "western" as in the America West? What country and what historical period do you have in mind?

Hi Valentin,

Awesome post.
Casablanca and Barb Wire are a famous pair of movie/anti-movie (in every dimensions)

I apologize, Valentin, because I misspoke :
what interests me are the preffered answers -or the "understanding"- this logline inspires to you for your questions #2 to #7 (just as you told me for your question #1).
This can be helpful because it should reveal what is trully "standing under" this logline, or not; and this should make me able to chose the right words to clarify it -just as "rural" instead of "western"- (English is not my native language).

No matter.
Here are the responses to your next questions:

Genre = (A story) Romance
Subgenre = (B story) thriller (Mc guffin)
Themes = Family bonds, emancipation, love
Master plot = Self discovery, freedom quest

Who is my protagonist (job, characteristics, flaw)?
A brilliant young whoman and local figure engaged in humanitarian and social action, daughter of a big widower rancher, strongly attached (flaw) to her family, her land, the remembrance of her mother.

What is he/she trying to achieve?
Find freedom and live her own life without breaking her roots

Who is the antagonist (there may not be one, if time, creature, natural disaster)?
Who or what is trying to stop them?
Her manipulative, overprotective father (A story)
Doubts about the causes (one of her "prot?g?es" might be involved) and the potential risks of the train wreck (B story)
Doubts about the man she's attracted by (A and B stories)

Why is he/she trying to achieve it? What happen if he/she fails?
Live a normal life and found her own family / remain under her father's control and authority, or lose her roots

What is the initial situation of the protagonist?
A kind of prisoner into a gilded prison, single

What is the inciting incident? What event forces the change in status quo?
Train wreck / Encounter with one of the survivors

Who is/are the stake characters (characters at risk or for who he/she changes)?
The survivor she meets

How is the protagonist winning (if he/she is winning)?
She overcomes her father's hostility with some help of her maid (A story)
Action reveals that the man she desire is loyal, and investigations reveals that the cause of the accident is a technical failure (B story)

What was he willing to sacrifice to reach his/her goal?
Her roots

And more :
Type:
Action AND character driven

Who are the mentor/helper?
The man she meets, her household maid

First post as a newbie so please ignore or discount.

I could not see where the incident (two trains collide - sounds very extreme) connected to the outcome and resolution (meets a man who could change her life forever - sounds quite tentative). Your revision did not close out the questions for me (find freedom and choose her own way), Maybe even opened more. Where/why/how was she not free).

Hope that is of some help. Lx

You are right DPG, "A" story line as in action tend to dominate log lines, however for romance-relationship stories the main line is the emotional line. In such movies, The action line is just a device to move along the emotional line. The action line can quite often become bogged down in a McGuffin.
In reality nobody should cares about the type of device: Letters of transit of Casablanca have been replaced by contact lenses in Barb Wire. It is whatever item that can be used to identify or laissez-passer. The same way "seven samourai" was remade into a western then into a science-fiction movie. Sword are replaced by gun and then laser.
Regarding McGuffin in logline, IMHO it depends who is the audience of the logline and what it is for.
Is it to pitch or is it used as short synopsis for TV program?
In TV program, you don't want to reveal the end game, so the McGuffin is in the logline/synopsis.
When pitching, I am not sure that you need it.

Yes, some very good ideas from Valentin.

As I've lamented before, I'm dubious that movies which are fundamentally romance-relationship stories are well served by loglines because those story lines are usually relegated to "B" story, or "C" story status - the letter tag depending on what guru you read -- and a logline is supposed to be about the "A" story -- "A" as in action. "Casablanca" is considered one of the greatest romance movies of all time; still, the armature that drives the "A" story, the action, is the McGuffin that everyone wants, the letters of transit.

But that's the industry convention.

Just wanted to say Valentin that that is awesome advice/ questions for anyone in the development stage... Obviously not my thread -- but found this VERY helpful for my own thing(s). Thanks! :)

Jean-Marie -- I would second advice from others, in that the logline is lacking specifics... a key ingredient for any successful logline... The logline needs to tell us specifically HOW/ WHY she is the one in-charge (is she the only one not injured etc?) and HOW/ WHY is this 'Man' going to change her life?

Best of luck with it Jean-Marie.

Not sure why, but one my post has been stuck into moderation for the last couples of hours.

Hi Jean-Marie,
There is no right or wrong answers to my questions. I don?t want to steer you toward one direction or another. It depends on the story you want to say and the kind of movie you want to write.
Even when sharing the same basic plot, the genre and treatment create very different movies. For example, Casablanca and Barbwire share exactly the same basic plot.
Set in an occupied fascist land, a bar owner must decide to help a former lover and his/her new partner escape to another country.
Barbwire even reuse some entire scene dialogues of Casablanca.
Despite all that similarities, both film are nothing alike. One is a classic drama when the other is a cheap Sci-Fi flick.
The logline is supposed to represent the script. If you have not decided on the structure of the script, then I would recommend that you decide on it, then write the logline.
Personally I try to answer the following questions:
What is the genre: drama, comedy, rom-com, coming of age, action, thriller, espionage, Sci-Fi, horror ??
What is the sub genre? Some movie have a main genre with a sub genre: comedic horror, Sci-Fi thriller.
What are the theme: (some genre such as action don?t necessarily have one)? Grief, love, sexism, racism, loss, loneliness, redemption, addiction, violence, sense of isolation, misunderstanding, fate ?
What is the master plot: revenge, pursuit/chase, escape, forbidden love, sacrifice, self discovery, transformation, quest, rescue, rivalry/fight, rise, fall?
Who is my protagonist (job, characteristics, flaw)?
What is he/she trying to achieve?
Who or what is trying to stop them?
Why is he/she trying to achieve it? What happen if he/she fails?
What is the initial situation of the protagonist?
What is the inciting incident? What event forces the change in status quo?
Who is the antagonist (there may not be one, if time, creature, natural disaster)?
Who is/are the stake characters (characters at risk or for who he/she changes)?
How is the protagonist winning (if he/she is winning)?
What was he willing to sacrifice to reach his/her goal?
Once I have answered those questions (and I reserve the right to change my mind at a later stage), then I have a mini synopsis and I can write a logline from it.

Hi Almiiitey,

Thank you for your percipience. You're on the right way. It's about her back in life and her affection for her family.

It tells that we can be both strong and weak, that we can help others and need help from them.

Dear Jean-Marie Mazaleyrat,

Checking in to see if I have the irony of the story correctly identified--your main character physically frees people from a train wreck and, in the process, she meets the man who frees her from the psychological train wreck of whatever is holding her back in life. Is that correct?

When two trains collide in her small rural town, a brave young woman takes charge ? and in the process meets the man who'll help her to find freedom and choose her own way.?

Very litlle changes. Is it better please?

When two trains collide in her small rural town, a brave young woman takes charge ? and in the process meets the man who'll help her find freedom and go her own way.?

HI Valentin,

Thank you very much.

You're also right. The logline must tell the whole story.

Your response to your first quetion is the good one. So this occurs in a small rural town, somewhere in the west of the USA.

Have you any idea or preference to answer to the other questions please? This should help me to rewrite this logline.

Thanks in advance.

I am with DPG, in regretting the lack of genuine good movie made where the leading character is a woman. Intriguing pitch, but I have a couple of questions:

1) What do you mean by western? Western as in cowboys and Indians, or as in west coast, or do you mean as western world? My understanding is that you mean rural rather than western. Am I right?

2) usually protagonist have a flaw or are in a bad place sometimes with no fault of their own. You protagonist is brave, hardly a flaw. Is she lonely, meek, shy, lacking self assurance?

3) in what sense is she taking charge? Does she organise medical assistance, does she coordinate rescue operation?

4) why is she taking charge? Is she tasked to by somebody else then who, does she volunteered or is she forced by external forces?
She is the only doctor/paramedic/former FEMA official in town and must help.
She could be a prisoner in one of the trains who steal the identity of the U.S. Marshall/FBI agent transporting her.
The reason why she is taking charge can explain her motivation and her temperament.

5) a man who could help her get free. Now you intrigues me, but I am still not ready to bite. I need more. In what sense is she going to get free?
Physically,
is she a convicted felon forced to help and the accident gives her an opportunity to escape?
Is she financially trapped in that town and with the reward she may be able to leave town?

Emotionally,
Is she grieving for somebody buried in the town and she can't leave their tomb until a tall dark stranger forces her out of the rut she is stuck in?

6) what is the relationship with that man?
Is he a potential love interest, an antagonist?
He could even be both. He is a bounty hunter who falls in love with her.

6) what genre and what is the overall theme/master plot of the script?
Drama/redemption, action, rom-com?

Hi dpg,

Thank you very mutch.

You and your fellow fish are right of course (I met a fish called Wanda once).
Is it better like this?

"When two trains collide in her small western town, a brave young woman takes charge ? and in the process meets the man who could help her to get free and go her own way."

I am drawn to this logline because I would like to see more films with a female protagonist. It's a shame and a scandal that so few movies are being made with female protagonists.

The spotlight in this logline seems to be on her taking charge after the train wreck. Which is a strong beginning-- but that is only the inciting incident, right, 1/5 or less of the story in terms of pages and time. The remaining 4/5 of the story is left for us to only guess what "a man who could change her life" means in terms of a throughline.

It suggests infinite possibilities. But a logline fails to do its job if it only presents us with infinite possibilities and leaves us to flounder in our imaginations. The job of a logline is to state the one throughline among that infinity the movie will explore.

So she meets a guy, a designated impact character. Gals meet guys who change their lives in just about every movie. It's a standard convention of modern cinema. What is so special about this meeting? What is the dramatic problem created by this "accidental" meeting and the ensuing relationship? What must she do about that problem?

You've lured me into the vicinity with a hook. But if you want me (and my fellow fish) to bite then I suggest the hook needs some alluring bait.