When the leader of the Assassination Cartel’s grandson is killed during a raid authorized by the American President, the semi-retired leader invokes an ancient vengeance that will wipe out the president’s seed from the earth

I think the new version is better.

Hi Craig,
What do you think of this version of the logline?

Hi Craig,
What do you think of this version of the logline.

Hello Rich,
What do you think of this version?

Thanks Rich for your comments. I will keep working on it using your feedback.
Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
Cheers.

Thanks Craig for your comments. I will keep working on it using the feedback from you and Rich.
Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
Cheers.

I agree with Rich. The other thing the story is a bit vague. Of course there is revenge. But if you are going to tell us, give us some detail.

"..it triggers an ancient form of retribution that makes him wish he never ordered the raid"

That is a lot of words to say revenge. Save those words and give us meat on the bones that will make us hungry for more.

It is always best to write the logline from the perspective of the lead character...

When his grandson is killed during a raid authorized by the American President, the leader of the Assassination Cartel... (They tell us what his plan is)