5 reviews
>>>When a teenage ballet dancer goes on tour with her country singer father she barely knows, she must save him from getting killed as he?s a witness in a murder case.
1] This is a comedy?
2] She barely knows him -- but she knows he's a witness in a murder case?? And she knows the bad guys who are out to kill him?
3] For the purpose of? plot and? logline, how does being a ballet dancer enable her to save him? With?a karate version of a grand jet??? A defining characteristic of a character should be relevant to the plot problem.? That she is a ballet dancer seems extraneous.
4]? The story has gone through several versions --what is the common core, the overarching theme?? ?(I get the impression of a situation in search of a plot.)
fwiw
I definitely prefer this longline over "When a country singer is temporarily released from jail..." ?You can see the storyline and conflict in their relationship set up for Act 2 really clearly with this one. There's a lot more that unfolds in the imagination with this set up. My question is why is he temporarily released from jail for a music tour? It may make more sense to have him recently released, but still doing whatever activity got him in jail in the first place. He's nearly caught again, but his relationship with his daughter is the thing that saves him. That also gives it more of a plot without turning it into a thriller. There's something about him already being on his way back to prison that makes us feel like the ending is pre-determined, and it doesn't feel as intriguing to see what happens next. I also think you need to establish the broken relationship in the longline so we see the emotional character arc. Just needs a bit of tweaking to hone in, and you've got a compelling story!
Do people get temporarily released from jail?