14 reviews
I would refocus the logline around the immediate and ?central objective problem that drives the story, the heist. ?The inciting incident is the foster kid's discovery of the plan. ? Is there a sense of urgency, a ticking clock, limited time to do something about it? ?And what?
Why doesn't he just go to the cops, tip them off? ? Or simply run away, have himself get caught by the cops and be returned to the safety of the state ward, ?farmed out to someone else? ?I mean, there just seems to be so many other solutions to his problem of not being involved in the heist -- and faster -- than searching for his father.
And, if the foster parents are going to use him for the heist, wouldn't they keep him under control, confine him to the premises? ? How is he going to be able to search for his father when they won't let him out of their sight? ? And while it's plausible he could stumble upon the heist, why would the foster parents trust him -- an outsider to the family -- to be a reliable accessory ?to their heist, even under coercion?
I think there's a potentially good story here, but the concept needs polishing.
Reviewed logline:
An indigenous state ward is released from Juvenile prison and fostered to a reputable white family, who threaten to lie to his parole officer and get him incarcerated unless he helps them with a heist.
I assume I re-post in this thread if I make changes to the logline for review. If not could someone please correct me otherwise if I get no response I'll put back up on the main board.
I have made some changes due to a little rethink and thanks to the feedback given in this thread. Please be as brutal as necessary.
The freedom to express one's thoughts is a fundamental building block of modern society, therefore segregating the ability to write about certain subjects and characters as privileges belonging to only one particular culture and not another is wrong.? In other words, anyone can write any story - that's the beauty of story.
I urge you to explore any subject matter, theme or culture as long as it is a story necessity. However, for greater authenticaty, you would need to do your research and consult with individuals of a particular culture you're writing about.