5 reviews
I think the government destroying the lake would be the inciting incident.
"When a greedy land developer threatens to destroy the lake of her Alien lover..."
Also, you describe the lead character as a 'girl' you might want to give us a couple word description of personality.
I'm only an amateur at this, but personally, I prefer your original.
"when a girl falls in love with an alien...' is a great starting hook and immediately caught my attention.
"... fight to stop the government and developers from destroying the lake that keeps him alive." ... clearly shows the antagonist and what is at stake.
The revisions are good, but I don't think are anywhere near as catchy as the first.
By bringing in other elements like "her strange genetics" and "Government mercenaries" I feel just clouds up the logline, while the original was crisp and simple.
... at least in my opinion.
"When a corrupt land developer threatens to destroy the lake of her alien boyfriend,?a savvy teenager must use her strange genetics to save the lake and keep her boyfriend alive."
I this logline is an improvement. But there are still a few things.
What does "strange genetics" mean? Does she have superpowers? What will that mean on screen? What will we see? That description doesn't create a clear, visual image in my head.
The other thing that stands out is the antagonist. What do they want? Why do they want it? Or are they evil just to be evil? What I do, and recommend is to create a separate logline from the perspective of the antagonist, to make sure you know their motivation and goal. Is the antagonist a compelling character, does the audience understand why they are doing what they are doing?