When a commando is waken from a coma, he learns that he’s mostly machine and his kids have been kidnapped by a powerful warlord.

4 reviews

Nicholas Andrew Halls Samurai · 1,742 pts

Whilst I agree wholeheartedly with all of the above ... if this is done in a pastiche sort of way ... I'm in. I want my ticket. It sounds fun.

Nwales06 Penpusher · 66 pts

The Longline only describes events, you do not have any action which means there is nothing for a second act of a movie. Without any clear action you do not have a movie. It doesn't matter what the concept is if you do not explain what exactly the character does, even if he has become half machine if he doesn't do anything it doesn't matter.

Neer Shelter Singularity · 55,464 pts

"...Criticism helps creative people get better at their craft. Even non-creative people can get better with criticism. But especially storytellers and other creatives. Are you just going to ignore any audience/critic reviews? Constructive criticism is a necessary part to growth?."

Agreed with Dkpough1, Tony's advise is sound and helpful.

You describe the inciting incident of the film - kids being kidnapped, but it should come at the beginning of a logline. It's the Mc's reaction to this event that makes the story interesting. In other words, the Mc's?goal and action to achieving the goal need to be made clear in the logline, and both are missing in the current draft.