When a brain injury puts a surefire pro football prospect's institutional loyalty into question, he must rediscover himself and rise to protect his teammates from a ruthless coaching staff.

Yes. Thanks for boiling it down, Richie!

I thought about really putting all the stakes on the brain injury from act one on, but the hero leaving the athletic realm gives him perspective from the outside. The fact that all these people "love" him has always been uncomfortable for him and now he finally sees why. It's strictly conditional.

So the leg injury was the vehicle I've used thus far to force him OUT of athletics. Head injuries are (or have been until late), treated with suspicion in locker rooms. These guys compete so fiercely that it's seen as a lack of will, especially since most can and do cheat concussion tests to play anyhow. So a broken leg would force him out. Either way, your comment has me wondering if I can find a way to place ALL the external stakes on the head injury.

Oh and the stake character - yes, that's great insight. The trickster/fool character is a puppy dog-type and a walk-on that is thrust forth because of Cal's injury. Desperate for glory, he ends up in over his head and Cal feels responsible for his demise. This is what forces Cal to attempt to come back early.

Other characters in the locker room also have stakes tied to Cal's performance - notably his fellow linemen. Another of which is on the cusp of being a prized prospect as well. So the characters and implicit (and explicit) pressures are there. It feels like it's just a matter of getting the chemistry right.

I am going to take both of these comments into the next rewrite in January. Thank you!

As usual, Richiev rises to the challenge with a pithy logline, one that focus on, imho, the more serious, hence more dramatically compelling injury.

My gutless instinct tells me that the story might be better served by focusing upon, building upon, intensifying the dilemma for the protagonist created by the brain injury. That is, the more he plays after the injury has been diagnosed, the more he puts him at risk of additional blows that will exacerbate his condition.

My gutless instinct also tells me that the broken leg injury might work better if that befalls a teammate . My reasoning is that if the protagonist's goal is to protect his team mates than the audience needs scenes to show WHY he has that goal: to wit, other players are being hobbled, even taken out for the season, with injuries.

And my gutless instinct tells me the leg injury -- or something similar-- would work best if it befalls a team mate with whom the protagonist forms a strong emotional investment -- a bond of friendship that extends beyond the gladiatorial arena -- er, football field.

IOW: a stake character. A stake character is a fellow victim, a character other than the protagonist who has a lot to gain or lose in the protagonist's struggle. [See "The Hunger Games", the emotional bond that develops between Katniss and Rue -- it's more than just a expedient alliance for survival.]

And a stake character can also represent the plight of a whole group of victims, in this case the entire team. Other team mates suffer, too, but the stake character can focus and intensify the suffering in a way that more directly and immediately motivates the protagonist.

fwiw.

"When a brain injury calls a surefire pro football prospect's loyalty to question, he must rise to protect his teammates from the ruthless head coach."

The coach is the villain because although the game is violent, he stacks the deck. He brings on physicians who do anything possible to keep players on the field. Drugs, misdiagnosing and etc. And he removes anyone who doesn't "play ball." A master politician, he sells the kids on sacrifice while their sacrifice furthers his own agenda. As the script progresses, he has a pro job lined up that causes him to take greater risks (with other peoples well-being) and also puts him into conflict with the university.

And the average career of an NFL player is actually 3.2 years. It's really, really sad.

The brain injury is the inciting incident - one that is discarded by the staff. It's a static injury that has slowly grown. That said, he experiences a broken leg (fibula) that FORCES him out of football (though players HAVE played on this injury before. With symptoms of the brain injury still present, he returns with the leg partially healed and things go downhill quickly.

His goal in act two is to get back to football - with his former community now showing their conditional love for him. In terms of his one objective goal, it's to PROTECT OTHERS. The only way this character has rationalized continuing to play football is through his protection of others (he's an offensive lineman). He's playing to protect his washed out father (by making the league he'll provide for him), his teammates (by raising his play, he enables their dreams and, later, their health) and the love interest (who is later at risk).

And in act 3 - yes, you're dead on. He has a pregame showdown with the coach. Again, using the "staff" term was just poor phrasing on my part.

Also, how is the coach the villain, the one responsible for the brain injury when (American) football by its very nature is a violent contact sport? How do you propose to lay the blame on the coach (and his staff) when a high risk of injury is intrinsic to the way the game is played? (According to NFL statistics, the average length of a career is only 6 years)

I am confused about the distinction between the 2 injuries. What's the difference between the one at the end of Act 1 and "his true injury" that commences Act 3?

And what is his objective goal at the beginning of Act 2? A "Love interest, education, re-entry into athletics" seem to entail 3 separate goals. What is the ONE objective goal he wants to accomplish that is the dramatic spine for the rest of the story?

Also shouldn't Act 3 showdown be with the coach himself, not his staff?

Great suggestion, Paul. The injury is the culmination of act 1, the rediscovery (love interest, education and re-entry into athletics) is the midpoint and the discovery of his true injury is when act 3 begins. The conflict with the coaching staff is the climax. I'm stuck on how to best convey the second act turn in the logline. And REALLY give the reader an idea of what transpires.

nduchene:

Can you unpack your story by Act? What is the inciting incident in Act 1? Where, in your synopsis, does Act 2 begin? Where, in your synopsis, does Act 3 begin?