After being framed for assault, an indigenous basketballer from the Australian outback, must prove himself innocent before his scholarship to play for a college in the USA expires.

by benny Samurai · 676 pts 787 views

8 reviews

Neer Shelter Singularity · 55,464 pts ★ Accepted

I would raise the stakes as they are not high enough (in my opinion) as it is written now. Firstly, best you specify a person whom would generally be considered as someone facing greater challenges than most people, in other words, a person of a minority background. I suggest you make the character Aboriginal Australian, this will describe the main character as an Australian without needing to specify it and it will assign him a degree of social handicap (whether true or not is irrelevant - it's the perception that matters most). This is his one chance to get a better life...

The other way you could raise the stakes is by making the crime a more severe one such as murder, and changing it so he already has the scholarship - if the deadline is for him to make it to the college by a certain date or forfeit the scholarship there's more for him to lose.

dpg Singularity · 112,231 pts

>>>It?s funny you say aboriginal Australian because that?s exactly what he is. I just didn?t find it necessary to add into the logline as it stood.

I think it is essential, part of the story hook.

And it certainly matters when it comes to casting.

benny Samurai · 676 pts

Thanks for the feedback all, and again I agree with most of what you're saying. I have put together two alternative versions based on our discussions and your quality feedback. I personally think Option 2 is where I'm heading to begin my writing as I feel Option 1 may have too much unnecessary back story. If anyone begs to differ or has an alternative version I'm open to seeing it. My only thoughts on the new versions are that we now don't know he's on the run trying to prove his innocence. Is this necessary?

Option 1
After being framed for assault, a talented Australian basketball player recently released from a small town juvenile detention must prove his innocence before a scholarship to a USA college expires. (30)

Option 2
After being framed for assault, a talented basketball player from the Australian outback, must prove his innocence before a chance to play for a college scholarship in the USA expires. (30)