Dwayne Townsend, a local rapper/producer struggles to find his way through a neighborhood infested with drugs and temptation, but after his friend is fatally shot and he changes his life, he?s forced back into his old life and has to decide, take a life or save one.

I hope this helps clarify some issues. A good logline is like a teaser. It shouldn't tell the whole plot, just enough for the reader to whet the reader's interest, make him want to find out how it all plays out. It should give the reader 5 pieces of basic information:

1] Who the protagonist is.
2] What is his character flaw.
3] What he wants. That is, the objective goal he is struggling to achieve.
4] Who the antagonist is. Who (or what) prevents him from getting what he wants.
5] What the stakes are. Why it matters, why the audience should care whether he succeeds or fails to get what he wants.

What am I able to glean from the versions of the logline so far?

1] The protagonist? A local rapper (no need to use his name).

2] The character flaw? I'm not sure. The logline doesn't really say. Only that he needs to change. I'm guessing he has to clean up his life, quit using drugs because the logline says the neighborhood is infested with drugs. But I shouldn't have to guess whether that is the case.

3] Objective goal? What does he want to do? Again, the logline doesn't really say. "He changes his life" is a general statement but it is not a specific statement of what he wants to do. Exactly how does he want to change his life? Move out of the neighborhood? Get his GED and go to college? Become a preacher instead of a rapper? I can only speculate. And I shouldn't have to; the logline should tell me what he wants to do.

4] Antagonist? Again, the logline doesn't say. All I know is that he lives in a bad environment. Now, that can be a serious obstacle. But a bad environment needs a face, a villain who personifies, embodies all that's bad about the environment AND who is actively out to destroy the protagonist. Who is out to defeat and destroy the rapper?

5] What's at stake? Again, I'm not sure. Someone's life, I guess. But for lack of clarifying details, I don't see how "take a life, or save one" presents a genuine moral dilemma for the protagonist because it seems like an easy, no-brainer choice: "save one". Why would he be forced to do otherwise?

fwiw.

Thanks for your comment, heres another version.

Dwayne Townsend, a local rapper/producer struggles to find his way through a neighborhood infested with drugs and temptation, but after his friend is fatally shot and he changes his life, he's forced back into his old life and has to decide, take a life or save one.

After reading this logline I still have know idea what the story is. If you could be a little more specific it will help.