When the fantasy universe he wakes up in turns out to be an hallucination while he’s in a coma, a detached schoolboy must defeat the world’s evil king to regain consciousness; or pass on to the afterlife if he fails.

nicholasandrewhalls

1] Because then there is even more at stake. And the audience has even more reason to root for the MC. Ultimately, a hero is someone who is never fighting just to save his own skin. He is fighting for a cause greater than himself, a principle more important than mere survival.

2] And that cause, that principle needs a face, a stakes character.

3] It's a plus factor that enhances the character, makes her not just a hero, but an extraordinary, a noble hero. What makes Ms.Everdeen more than an ordinary hero? She's far from the first woman to survive the Hunger Games. She's a cut above, some one extraordinary because she volunteers in place of her sister -- the stakes character. She doesn't do so because she thinks she can win. It's an act of self-sacrifice, altruism of the highest order. "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13) is not just a great spiritual principle -- it's a great dramatic principle.

4] And then there's the matter of the anima archetype in the male psyche. Which the shy young boy discovers cowering in peril in the shadows of his own psyche. (If you're into the Jungian brand of depth psychology. Which I am. The archetypes at war within his own psyche is the basis of my interest in your premise.)

5] And finally, what's your "B" story? What is there in the story to appeal to the half of human population that is female? (Granted, the logline is primarily about the "A" story, but it doesn't hurt to imply the "B" story by featuring a stakes character.)

fwiw

@dpg why does there need to be a stakes character? Why isn't his survival stakes enough?

@lewisricekrispy - yeah, it is like that. But with puppets and magic.

Why does there have to be a stakes character? Why isn't his survival or life enough at stake?

Sounds similar to the TV series "life on Mars" and "ashes to ashes".

I think the inciting incident specifically needs to be re thought what I mean is, choosing between falling into the comma or realizing the universe is a hallucination and the relation to the antagonist.

I suggest this because this will have an impact on the MC, the action he will take and act 1 and most of act 2.

If when he wakes up the MC doesn't know that he is in a comma but the audience does, this puts the audience ahead of the MC. The MC will need to learn that he is in a comma very quickly in order for the story to be interesting sooner and move the plot along faster. Other wise the MC needs to learn something the audience doesn't know or the audience need to learn something else that the MC doesn't know to keep the story interesting. Similar to the first act of The Truman Show.

If the audience doesn't know he is in a comma when he wakes up then the audience needs to want the MC to discover the nature of the bizarre world. But then the opening image i.e the "normal" world is the bizarre world, so now the question is; what makes him want to figure out or how does he learn that he is in a fantasy world and in turn a comma? This is a Matrix style act 1.

The two scenarios above are two separate stories and two separate loglines. One a study in dramatic irony the other an adventure to save the MC's life. They can both climax in defeating the bad guy but the design of the inciting incident needs to be better related to the act of defeating the bad guy.

The logline implies that the audience is aware of the world being not real "...the fantasy universe he wakes up in..." if it is defined as fantasy in the logline then the audience knows it is fantasy. But then the logline specifies "...turns out to be an hallucination ..." turns out from who's point of view? Logically the MC discovers it to be a hallucination because these two statements point towards the MC not knowing but the audience knowing.

This how ever is not clear from the logline and the discovery of the fantasy is not directly related to the antagonist or the need to defeat him.

Hope this helps.