In a near future three close but troubled small-town boys journey alone cross country seeking hope and meaning within a crumbling society exposing them to the realisation that their days as children and lifelong companions may be drawing to an end.

The latest draft of the logline sounds more complicated than it needs to be, as it seems as if you added more adjectives but havn't changed the premise. I believe the premise has a lack of stakes at its core, and? no amount of descriptions will increase them.

Being ex communicated or disowned by his family/community just ain't enough...
Think of the story from a different angle, what else can your main character do that will (as DPG and I said) increase the stakes and make them personal.

Secondly the obstacle isn't great - he jumps on a bus, goes to the launch site, sees the launch, end of story. There is no challenge for the main character. You could make him wheelchair-bound or give him Multiple Sclerosis, anything that would inhibit his ability to make the journey would be better than nothing. By the way the fact that he comes from a community that likely forbids the use of public transport, is not an inhibition it's an inconvenience at best, as he decides in act one to go anyway.

A logline should focus on one inciting motivation for the protagonist's pursuit of an objective goal. ?The revision has two: ?disillusionment and a dying friend's wish.

And frankly, the two motivations seem to be rather weak ?for undertaking the hazards of a cross-country journey. ?I can see the the young man leaving the community out of disillusionment, but that doesn't explain why he would travel cross-country to see the launch.

And It seems to me that doing it for the sake of a last wish of a close friend is weak because the adolescent is doing for the sake of some one else rather than for himself. ?He's taking a guilt/grief trip rather than a personal odyssey. ?And it begs the question: why does the dying friend want to either see the ?launch in person himself or impose his deathbed wish on the the adolescent?

The question is not why does the teenager want to see the launch in person. ?The question is why must the teenager see the launch in person? ? What is his ?stake -- not his dying friend's stake -- but his personal stake in seeing the launch? ?What does he stand to lose if he doesn't see the launch?

fwiw

Nir Shelter, I truly appreciate your feedback.

I have attempted to raise the stakes in this revision but I am unsure if I have created a more convoluted story premise. Needs fresh eyes...

Disillusioned by his communities traditions and risking exile for his family, a progressively withdrawn adolescent journeys alone cross country to witness the launch of the first spacecraft destined to contact alien life in honor of close friend's dying?wish.

And while I agree with you that 'boy' is a generic term, there is something to be said for clarity in simplicity. I am not convinced 'adolescent' is any more engaging to a reader than simply 'boy'? Ideas? I want to convey a rebellious kid but not to the point of being delinquent.?