Stauber

Logliner · 766 points

1,734 points to Mentor

3 loglines
22 reviews

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Logliner

Loglines

Two recusant boys have 36 hours to reach the historic return of the first spacecraft to contact alien life after their plan to surreptitiously view it in a friends dorm is obstructed by the boarding schools strictly enforced orthodox precepts.

May 15, 2017
Three indoctrinated codependent boys flee their orthodox commune determined to reach the launch of the final ship to leave the decaying earth.

May 12, 2017
In a near future three close but troubled small-town boys journey alone cross country seeking hope and meaning within a crumbling society exposing them to the realisation that their days as children and lifelong companions may be drawing to an end.

April 17, 2016

Recent reviews

on A dark past. The distant future. A journey into chaos and redemption

This is a tagline, not a log line sorry.
on Two recusant boys have 36 hours to reach the historic return of the first spacecraft to contact alien life after their plan to surreptitiously view it in a friends dorm is obstructed by the boarding schools strictly enforced orthodox precepts.

People don?t usually go a long journey to disprove something they believe in. It ain?t natural as they say. They would simply live in denial until someone or something made them see things differently. That was exactly my issue with…
on Two recusant boys have 36 hours to reach the historic return of the first spacecraft to contact alien life after their plan to surreptitiously view it in a friends dorm is obstructed by the boarding schools strictly enforced orthodox precepts.

Thanks heaps Foxtrot, i've been trying to be parsimonious with the logline and reduce it to the basics, but - as I am sure you know - when you revise and think about it repeatedly, it can become a blur.…
on After a space piracy witness and two cops are publicly murdered, the Senior Investigator must escape from the murderer and solve the piracy case before his family or more cops are killed ★ Accepted

Investigating a case of space piracy in which two cops were murdered, a Senior Investigator becomes the next target and must solve the crime before its too late?
on When they plot to kill each other the following day, a white supremacist and a black racist rather wake up in each other’s body and must team up and solve the problem or get killed by their gang members. ★ Accepted

A?white supremacist and black gang member wake up in the others body and must figure out a way to work together before their gangs turn on them?
on To avenge his mentor?s murder, a former assassin realizes he?s the hunted, setup to achieve their end he must fight his own disenchantment to destroy them before they destroy a founding principle of the country.

I actually think this is actually a step back from the edit Foxtrot25 made to your earlier draft:?To avenge his mentor?s murder, a former assassin must take down the shadow government he used to work for before they destroy the…
on Two recusant boys have 36 hours to reach the historic return of the first spacecraft to contact alien life after their plan to surreptitiously view it in a friends dorm is obstructed by the boarding schools strictly enforced orthodox precepts.

Thanks for the guidance dpg, its certainly helping clarify the concept for me. Is a singular hook prominent in?this revision (Trying to focus on the boys journey: inciting incident, flawed character, goal)? When an alien vessel arrives on earth, two…
on Two recusant boys have 36 hours to reach the historic return of the first spacecraft to contact alien life after their plan to surreptitiously view it in a friends dorm is obstructed by the boarding schools strictly enforced orthodox precepts.

I would say I am more interested in exploring the teens interpersonal conflict of faith incited by the arrival of aliens rather than exploring humankind at large because I feel like that is a story which has been done before…
on To avenge his mentor?s murder, an assassin who turned his back on the intelligence world returns, discovers he?s no longer the hunter, but the hunted and has to stop them before they destroy the core principles of the countries founders.

A solid improvement over your first draft. And Foxtrot25s redraft is a further improvement. Though,?I am having difficulty seeing how solving the government problem relates to avenging his mentor's murder? Was his mentor involved in preserving the integrity of the…
on Two recusant boys have 36 hours to reach the historic return of the first spacecraft to contact alien life after their plan to surreptitiously view it in a friends dorm is obstructed by the boarding schools strictly enforced orthodox precepts.

@Richiev, dpg and Foxtrot25, your feedback is much appreciated.To falsify their strictly religious commune, two rebellious boys embroil their orthodox friend in traversing beyond the security of their commune and through the desolate zone to the unprecedented arrival of an…
on After finding a talisman in England’s most haunted ruin, three young boys awaken the ancient guardian of Berkshire Castle, which is hellbent on adding skulls to its collection.

Agreed, great improvement over your first draft.
on Surviving the crash of their plane in the Bermuda Triangle, spiritually gifted twins race their evil cyborg uncle to in a quest to find sacred elemental stones to avenge their mother’s murder and save their planet.

Wow there is a lot going on there! I think i'll focus on the most glaring issue I have:?How does the plane crash fit into this story? Do they find themselves in the race against the cyborg because their plane…
on After being kidnapped during a violent war, an innocent boy must find his way home.

For mine, your log line captures none of the compelling elements of this outline. There is plenty in it to hook the audience which could be used. The soldiers come across several children and kill them, sparing one child -…
on After his mentor?s murder, a killer, an assassin in an attempt to find a reason to live, returns to the covert world he left to find the killer, but realizes he?s no longer the hunter, but the hunted.

To avenge his mentor?s murder, an assassin is drawn back into the world he had abandoned, but realizes he?s no longer the hunter, but the hunted. Seems a little cleaner.
on Noise Control Beta – In a world where to perceive a forbidden noise is the highest crime, a cop whose wife starts hearing it must find its origin in the desperate attempt to save her.

I agree with Foxtrot25, how exactly is involuntarily 'hearing' something justification for a incrimination?However, much like Dkpough1, I'd be fascinated to see how this story plays (So long as the suspension of disbelief at a passive crime was not too…
on A trio of young, lifelong friends seek to prove their mettle against the horrors of England’s most haunted ruin before the castle’s legendary Headless guardian adds their skulls to its collection..

Is the Headless guardian already after the friends before they enter the castle? Or does the Headless guardian come after them only once they enter the ruins?
on In a near future three close but troubled small-town boys journey alone cross country seeking hope and meaning within a crumbling society exposing them to the realisation that their days as children and lifelong companions may be drawing to an end.

Nir Shelter, I truly appreciate your feedback.I have attempted to raise the stakes in this revision but I am unsure if I have created a more convoluted story premise. Needs fresh eyes...Disillusioned by his communities traditions and risking exile for…
on After finding a student showing signs of self-harm, Thomas, an intrapersonal anxious janitor must risk his job in pursuit of helping the young teen learn the beauty of life through his secret rooftop garden.

Why must he risk his job? Is his solution to help the student incompatible with the expectations of his job? I feel both intrapersonal and anxious could be more effectively conveyed with a singular word such as 'reserved'. Intrapersonal anxious…
on In a near future three close but troubled small-town boys journey alone cross country seeking hope and meaning within a crumbling society exposing them to the realisation that their days as children and lifelong companions may be drawing to an end.

The greatest compliment I can give your comment is that it is challenging - thank-you! When the church institutes comprehensive censorship, a disillusioned boy defies his family and community expectations to journey alone cross country to witness the launch of…
on After World War III, an imprisoned young man whose blood can save Humanity tries to escape an enclosed facility, when he learns he’s being harvested.

In the aftermath of World War III, an imprisoned young man whose blood can save humanity fights to survive within a harvesting?facility. Does the man know his blood can save humanity?