16 reviews
I know say this a lot on this site,- but- you need a lead character and the lead character must want something. This is an interesting situation but to improve the logline you should focus on a lead character.
Here would be an example of what I mean:
-----
"After he's fired and loses his apartment, a department store Santa is determined to give his son a perfect Christmas, even though they are forced to move into an abandoned train station with a group of homeless families."
-----
Hope that helps, good luck with this!
torgodog:
The logline has certainly morphed ?from the ?original posting, version 1.0. ?Obviously, you want to "chew on the bone" of homelessness. ?Why? ? What is the central issue about homelessness that you want to explore?
"A prospective lawsuit for his wife?s serious injury offers a leader of small homeless group a sudden ticket out of homelessness. That is until a member of his flock threatens to testify against their case. How far is he willing to go to silence this newly found ?witness??"
It would probably be best to make another post with a revised logline. However, under 30 words, what the logline should be is an answer to "How far is he willing to go to silence this newly found ?witness??"
You shouldn't ask a question in the logline. The logline is used to help you pitch your idea to someone who will be able to get it made.
As I said before in previous reviews: Whata is his goal, and how does he achieve it? That's all you need in the logline, other than absolute essential exposition.
Example: When a homeless man's wife is injured in a store, he sues them in the hope that he get enough money to pull themselves out of homelessness. (~27 words)
While not great, it does have a goal(to get out of homelessness) and his action(suing).