After three teammates are killed in separate incidents during a mission, an elite surveillance operator struggles with being labelled as a magnet of doom by a fellow operator simply because all three men were in close contact with him just before they died.

Unkillable

3 reviews

Neer Shelter Singularity · 55,464 pts

To help with the above comments you need to increase the stakes. Try changing "...struggles with being labelled..." to; is accused of murder or is put to a court-martial.
In loglines the verb struggling as the main action for the protagonist is often a weak description of what they will do because it is vague and doesn't paint a clear image of what the story will look like.

Also I'm not sure what "...an elite surveillance operator..." is can you describe the protagonist in a more succinct and clear manner?

Hope this helps.

Richiev Singularity · 82,714 pts

You need a plot. That will greatly improve this logline.

dpg Singularity · 112,231 pts

The protagonist is passive -- reacting to what other people think of him. What is he doing about it? What is his objective goal? Who/what opposes him? What's at stake that the audience should care what? It's got be something more than what his fellow operators think about him.