After her rich husband and her lover are found murdered on her living room floor, a beautiful woman must prove her innocence to avoid being murdered by the police while in custody.

I see 2 issues with the logline.

1. Mentioning on the living room floor in the logline. Not so important as to waste valuable space on.

2. The whole "in custody" part. If she was instead on the run and needing to prove her innocence or else "a crazy cop or two" may catch her and seek revenge, then we will still need to explain a damn good reason for that. IE, The Fugitive. She can break out of custody, sure, kinda like in the movie Salt, but I just don't see where the story can exist in custody for very long.

The blanket "by the police" sounds odd.

The mention of the rich husband builds intrigue and the murders. As mentioned above, "beautiful" is too generic. Think of another element in the story that describes her.

"...wannabes with zero screen credits ..."

Oh, sweet irony...

Nir Shelter:

You guru-wannabes with zero screen credits just exhaust me. You're so eager to spout your untested theories and ideas in an arena where you're not required to back your words with action and somebody else's money.?

"...Nir Shelter was out of order. We?re here to improve loglines. If anyone thinks the subject matter is boring or the structure is moribund, etc. then there are plenty of other loglines that might be more deserving of comment."

"...When you make a sweeping statement like this you had better be quoting a visionary film-maker like Martin Scorsese or someone similar. If this is simply your own personal opinion transcribed into screenwriting dogma then it smacks of a level of arrogance that actually scares me. ?Don?t you know that dogma is an anathema to creativity?"

Kbfilmworks,

Knowing how to take notes and implement them into your work is a vital skill that all writers need to learn. The nature of your comments above indicate a lack of experience, and that's why we're here - to help each other learn.

You asked for our opinions and that is what you got. In future, please be thankful to those who take the time to read your loglines.

Seeing as you so eagerly dismissed what I wrote, and clearly lack appreciation for it, I shall refrain from ever commenting on your posts again.

Good luck in your screenwriting career - with this kind of attitude you'll need lots of it...

Nir.

"After her husband and Mafia Lover are found murdered on her living room floor, a woman, while in police custody must survive assassin inmates to prove her innocence in court."

dpg:

I like speculating about stuff as much as anyone but a lot of the stuff that's being said here does not help to improve the logline in my view.

Nir Shelter was out of order. We're here to improve loglines. If anyone thinks the subject matter is boring or the structure is moribund, etc. then there are plenty of other loglines that might be more deserving of comment.