A shy guy tries to seduce a snobby girl during an awkward pre-arranged mating session between their chihuahua dogs. COMEDY SHORT

Tjmohr:

I like the inciting incident.? It's a great metaphor for the sexual tension? -- in his mind, anyway.

However, having him to overtly seduce her is oafish, tacky --- just plain dumb even for a comedy.? ?Especially in the #MeToo era.? He has a fatal character of not being able to? treat her as anything more than sex object.? ?He deserves for her to slap? him in the face and storm away.? So it seems to me a more acceptable objective goal would be for him to a date in a manner where she doesn't laugh in his face and walk away.? Treat her like a lady.

And rather than describe her as being a snob, describe her as being classy -- he's trying to date outside his league, above his place in the prevailing social order.? Which in this version of the logline, he most surely is.

fwiw

If you can, try and keep revised versions of the same logline within the existing post. It's really useful for everyone to see the progression and evolution of the logline based on the comments made.

I really like this idea. Visually, it's great!

I only have 2 comments.

1. I would maybe try and follow the recommended format in the Our formula tab simply because, chronologically, it (more or less) follows the story. It starts with the inciting incident, introduces the character and tells us what they must do. That being said, I think that there's a chance that it will lose some of the comedic impact you've got by ending it with the image of the dogs mating... I'm torn. It would be an interesting exercise though.
2. She's snobby. I don't want our hero to end with a snobby person. She has to be likeable if the audience is going to want him to succeed. This isn't to say she can't be a bit snobby but I would recommend that this isn't her main characteristic.

Hope this helps.