A lonely night time worker, at a weather station, has gotten tired of his pathetic life, whose wife and children don?t even respect him, when suddenly he meets a woman at work who will change his life for the better ? and the worse.

The Night Shift

5 reviews

screen&writing 0 pts

For me, main question is: How does She change his life? she beats with him or makes a crazy deal? or maybe she proposes him robbing a bank. This logline needs a little teaser about genre and of course you should close it in 160 signs. No more.

Ratman 0 pts

Thanks for the advice guys! And I understand the criticism, I established too much at the beginning, with no understanding of what the main character wants.
How about this:
"When a night time worker, with a family that doesn't respect him, decides he wants to make his life and job more interesting, he meets a woman that offers him a chance to change all that."
Better?

timmyelliot 0 pts

I understand the worker's desire. I have a strong idea of his motivation. What's his goal? I assume the stakes are the wife and children (but it could also be his job).

I don't think you need the first two commas.

It seems to me that you're hinting at the character arc with the phrase "will change his life..." I don't think that's needed. We expect the main character to change.