A female bounty hunter holds a gangland bar hostage while awaiting the arrival of a fugitive killer but one of the hostages is hiding a deadly secret.

Kbfilmworks,

I wholeheartedly agree that a pitch is ?a seduction, a strip tease. ?But it's got to flash enough skin, or at least deliver enough of bump and grind, ?to lure the mark in.

This version doesn't flash enough skin, just doesn't have the bump and grind to lure me in. ?But different strokes for different folks so maybe it will work for others. ?(Although I reiterate that your strip tease has to compete for attention with scores ?--hundreds? -- of other loglines for the SciFi genre. )

Best wishes for this story.. Regards

CraigD

Thanks for the comment. The protagonist's action is actually 'holds a gangland bar hostage' and it's pretty strong - one person against a bar full of gangsters. Also, the 'deadly secret' element is not about action - it creates intrigue.

This logline is static. Some one having a deadly secret isn't an action. Read the line and describe it as a series of actions, I couldn't.

"Waiting for her mark a bounty hunter takes the occupants of a gangland bar hostage a bounty hunter but a ..... has .... "