8 reviews
Such awesome feedback, thank you!!?Will go away and revise again. ?I think I'm realising that I haven't figured out the plot entirely... amazing how writing a ?log line can reveal such important info!
An inciting incident is a specific event, not a series of actions taken over the course of an arbitrary amount of time like an investigation. What was the specific event that motivated the MC to take action? Was it his son's disappearance? If so, clearly describe it.
Secondly, a logline is best composed of clear detail, "...mystical secret..." is not specific and certainly not a clear enough a detail for a logline. You need to tell the reader (and yourself) what your MC is doing and what his obstacle is, other wise the plot is unclear.
Lastly, what is is goal? As DPG mentioned in earlier posts, you have two potential goals; to find the son and to understand the "...mystical secret...", but which ever is the primary goal of the A plot, needs to be described in the logline.
In order to clarify the issues, I vetted your logline through my standard template of logline questions. ?Here, fwiw, is my readout:
Required logline elements are in bold.
Useful logline elements are in italics.
| What is the hook?? |
|
In my schema of logline elements, this one is the most important. ?All the other elements hang on the hook. And the purpose of the other elements is to make the hook irresistible to a logline reader, to make want to bite, to read the script. Your hook seems to be a "mystical secret".? But that's vague, too vague. It needs to be more specific. I don't mean it has to be totally spelled out in a logline because there's not enough space and because a logline shouldn't contain spoilers.? But it needs to be specific enough to be compelling hook guaranteed to grab reader and viewer attention. ?Right now, it's a bare hook in want of a sufficient supply of enticing bait. And the enticing bait should come from the other required elements. Like: |
| Who is the protagonist? |
| Clearly defined as a detective.? Good. |
| What is her character flaw? |
| None stated. Not so good.? It's bait that may need to be added to your hook. Why?
Well, cutting through all the psychobabble about the character arc, it comes down to this: the purpose of character flaw is to make it more difficult for the protagonist to succeed. Which creates dramatic tension. ?Which is prime bait for the hook. |
| What is the inciting incident? |
| Clearly defined: his son disappears. |
| What becomes his objective goal? |
| Obviously, to find the boy.? He's not just a detective working a case, he's a father desperately trying to recover his son.
Is there a clear cause-and-effect link between the inciting incident and the objective goal? Obviously, yes. ? |
| Who is the antagonist? |
| In the 1st version it's a "mysterious old woman".? But in the revision, she's disappeared.? The antagonist needs to be reinstated.? Again, the antagonist is required bait on the hook. |
| What are the stakes? |
| None stated. ?It's a required element because it ratches up dramatic tension by adding the element of urgency. ?IOW: more bait on the hook. ?The stakes need to be clear and high-- worth worrying about. |
| ? |
| Is there a ticking clock? |
| None stated.? Not a required element but it increases dramatic tension by adding the element of urgency. ?Again, more bait on the hook. |
| ? |
| What is the subjective need? |
| The subjective need is always related to the character flaw, but since no character flaw is given, there doesn't seem to be one. The subjective need, while not an explicit logline element, is an implied one (by the character flaw) and spices up the bait on the hook. |
| My take away: |
| The story hook about a "mystical secret" is vague. ?Consequently, it's bland bait. And it's thin bait because of missing or inadequately provisioned elements.
I suggest reworking the logline (which may entail reworking the plot) to add the missing bait to your hook and spice up entire "bait package". Fwiw, my 2.5 cents worth. Hope it helps. |
Hi Gabriel Yakub.
Your revision helped tighten your logline.
Still, the the last part "their lineage" is unclear. What does that mean and in what way is it related to finding his son? How will he get his son back? Further, what are the consequences of this secret? What is at stake for finding out this secret?
Thanks for sharing your work.
Cheers, SWS
Looked at the training section, and it really helped my develop my story, and distill it. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction. Here's the revised log line:
When a detective investigates the disappearance of his son, he discovers a disturbing mystical secret about their lineage.
Thanks so much for the feedback, will have a read of the guidelines and review.
Which is the inciting incident? ?His wife asking his to find his missing son? ?Or learning dark secrets that force him to take action. ?There can only be one in a logline and in a plot.
And what specifically is the action he is forced to take? ?What specifically is his objective goal? ?Is it to find his son? ?Or is it to "take action" --whatever that means -- about the secrets? ?Again there can only be one objective goal in the logline. ?And one objective goal that frames a plot.
If you haven't done so, check out the guidelines under "Training" at the top of the web page for guidelines on how to write an industry standard guideline.