Where screenwriters learn the form and logline their screen ideas.
Final Days (working title)
Richiev great comment, as usual.
Oscar the Grouch had been waking up inside a garbage can for almost 30 years before 'Soldier' came out. I don't think it's going to be an issue...
Alright, how about this:
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"After awakening in a garbage dump and his android body malfunctioning, a detective has three days to find his missing family if they're to escape the dying Earth in a seed ship."
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Be warned, Kurt Russel did a movie called "Soldier" where his character awoke in a garbage dump. (Completely different main character so you should be fine but you might want to check it out)
Thanks for your feedback Nick. I'm going to have to have a think about this and rework it.
Yeah, a dump. A pile of garbage. It's an Australian term - good pick up, might not be universally recognised.
What's a "Garbage tip"?
Is that like a dump?
I think the danger with ending on "New Earth" is that it begs questions that the reader doesn't have the answers to. Does this make someone want to find out more? Possibly. Could the same thing achieved without? For instance, 'board the final voyage leaving his dying world'
The reason I wouldn't include that part anyway, is that you want to keep the stakes as high and primal as possible. The repair of the body is not particularly primal, but it feeds into the setup of a malfunctioning body (already stated). It's a hurdle that will need to be overcome before the end of the story.
But the REALLY primal stakes that anyone can identify with, it doesn't matter what culture or where in the world they're from, or whether they like science fiction or not, is the FEAR OF LOSING ONE'S FAMILY. That's the thing that makes you want the hero to succeed. Being left behind ... I guess that's pretty scary, but I think it's harder to relate to, and it might confuse the reader (of the logline - not of the script) as to what wil happen if he fails. Because he would get left behind, but what would make that sting WORSE is to lose the family.
Thanks for the feedback Nick. Really appreciate it! You were spot on with the protagonist (corrupt detective) and the inciting incident (waking up on trash tip) however the goals are to repair the malfunctioning body (before he completely breaks down), find the family and get on the ship before it takes off in three days.
My logline is indeed a mess. So here is another attempt, hope this is clearer:
When a corrupt detective awakens in the body of a malfunctioning android, he has three days to repair the body, find his family and board the last voyage to New Earth.
Cool concept, messy logline.
All of that futuristic stuff, while necessary to understand the story ultimately, isn't going to do anything to help sell script (probably), or help you identify the story for yourself while you work through your script.
Go back to the basics of the logline; What is the inciting incident, or event? When he wakes up on a garbage heap?
Who is your protagonist? The mind of a corrupt detective in a malfunctioning robot body. (But in essence, a corrupt detective).
What is his goal? To repair his body and get to the starship before he launches, or lose his family for ever.
By stripping it back to the central human components, you should be able to trim it back AND keep it compelling. So I would suggest:
When he wakes to find himself in the body of a malfunctioning robot, a corrupt detective must race against time to repair himself and find his family, before they are whisked away forever on an interstellar starship.
The corrupt detective is the protagonist.
Who is the protagonist, the corrupt detective?
Hi everyone, I've been struggling to boil this logline down as it's a futuristic situation that needs a bit of explanation, would be great if I could get a few suggestions as I don't know what to do. I promise I will leave some comments on other loglines!