obie1jonobi

Penpusher · 126 points

174 points to Logliner

2 loglines
4 reviews

Revision: Trapped into a lease with his ex-wife, a depressed writer must navigate the intricacies of single life, but when he falls for his married boss, life gets so much more complicated.

March 21, 2018
Trapped into a lease with his ex-wife, a young writer must come to terms with single life, all whilst making plans for his future.

March 3, 2018

on Patrick, who has struggled with the demon dyslexia all his life, finds himself at crossroads when he meets a young gang member who is trapped in the same vicious cycle.

While it's good that you have a name for the character, it does little to describe the character to the audience. How has struggling with dyslexia affected him as an individual? How does it affect his interactions with others? Beyond…
on When two girls are kidnapped memories from the past drive a psychology student to hunt for the man who took her and her sister 14 years ago.

There is something here that would make a good story, it just needs a little bit of tidying. I think dpg struck something here. I think you?re referencing a serial kidnapper, or something akin to that. You just need to…
on When a grieving teacher is blackmailed over the death of his brother, he decides to silence the blackmailer and frame his widow?s new lover for the murder.

I like this. It starts strong. It ends strong. There?s a lot of intrigue here, and as I reread it, I can?t help but be slightly confused. What drives a character to escalate so quickly from being blackmailed to murdering…
on When the bus of an addicted fantasy gamer stops at a Utopian town, he will do anything to remain there, whilst resisting the unusual secret to their perfect lifestyle.

I can?t help but agree with the other reviewers. There needs to be a clear tie between the character and his goal. What about this ?Utopian town? makes your protagonist want to remain there so badly? Beyond that, I?m confused…

Logliner

Revision: Trapped into a lease with his ex-wife, a depressed writer must navigate the intricacies of single life, but when he falls for his married boss, life gets so much more complicated.

Trapped into a lease with his ex-wife, a young writer must come to terms with single life, all whilst making plans for his future.