Jim Corona

Recent reviews

• on After the discovery of a file containing orchestrated events that lead to a discharged solider and his military gang?s demise. The crew must race against time through the downtown streets of Miami to escape the CIA?s manhunt, leading to a series of unexpected events, including murder. Bounded by this ill fate the gang must pull off their notorious plan or risk the reality of dying.

  dpg nailed it. In addition -- watch out for vagueness, not only in your screenplay proper, but especially in the logline. "Orchestrated events," "race against time," etc., don't tell us anything. And yes, I have to watch out for vague…

• on An Elizabethan do-gooder is framed for his father's murder and takes refuge with the most notorious thieves in England. When their leader is captured, he must choose: join them and return to the scene of the crime, or run away and remain an outlaw.

  re: Anonymous -- Yes, those who think the Beatles are ancient history would be confused. But I don't think it would give pause to anyone in the (presumed) target audience, and the author needs to decide whether to limit the…

• on Two useless secret agents are assigned the task of going undercover in Northern England in order to uncover the details of a disastrous terrorist plot being developed in a garden centre.

  Also consider: if they're so useless, why are they being sent on the mission? Why not good agents? In fact, why are they in the agency in the first place? Think about recent spy comedies ... in Get Smart, Max…

• on A group of musicians in Portland make their first nation-wide hit, but when faced with the uncertainty of continuing their careers, fake their own deaths for wealth and celebrity.

  Another interesting concept, but again, who is the protagonist, what is his goal, who's the antagonist, etc.?

• on A knight from the 12th century, a little girl from WW1, a businessman from the 70's, and an explorer from the future all get lost in the same forest, where space is unaltered but time is up for grabs.

  Your general concept is interesting, but ... Who is the protagonist? Antagonist? What is the protagonist's goal? What is preventing the protagonist from reaching his/her goal? What weakness does the protagonist need to overcome? What are the stakes for the…

• on (Modified, Comedy:) When a quirky special effects technician and a movie's starlet get lost in Africa's deepest forest highlands, the tech must protect the starlet and himself ?- plus a klutzy giant gorilla ?- from poachers.

  dpg ? Thanx for giving this a look. Because he is non-commital at the start, my protagonist has the direct opposite frame of mind as does the Save the Animals? starlet. And because the starlet is so dedicated to her…

• on A small town shearer incapable of change, falls in love with an Italian backpacker unable to settle down, struggle to stay together as their love florishes.

  Is the guy or the gal the protagonist, and which one is the guy and which the gal? What, exactly, IS the struggle? (Be specific.) What is the protagonist's, SPECIFIC goal?

• on A cryptographer, losing touch with reality, discovers that his CIA handler is being exploited as a sex slave. To save her he must abandon his life's work.

  Since most, if not all, of us here are not "name" writers, it's my understanding we have to follow convention if we hope to get our work produced. With that in mind, you need your inciting incident no more than…

• on (Modified, Comedy:) When a quirky special effects technician and a movie's starlet get lost in Africa's deepest forest highlands, the tech must protect the starlet and himself ?- plus a klutzy giant gorilla ?- from poachers.

  dpg -- Thanx for your commentary. Does the following fulfill your suggestions? (Comedy:) When a non-committal special effects technician and an anti-poaching movie starlet get lost in Africa's deepest forest highlands, the quirky technician must protect the starlet and himself…

• on During the crucifixion, Jesus descends into Hell and must confront Satan to reclaim the keys to the kingdom.

  It might be a hard sell the way it's currently worded. Your potential buyers aren't going to expect symbolism to be there unless you tell them, and if you have to do that, your logline is going to be way…

• on During the crucifixion, Jesus descends into Hell and must confront Satan to reclaim the keys to the kingdom.

  As Richie said, it should read "After." In addition, according to the Bible, the three days was more or less a victory lap in which Christ proclaimed his victory; he finished his task on the cross. Also, the term "keys…

• on When an ex-major-league pitcher travels back to Ireland to reunite with his greatest love, he discovers she is terminally ill with a 10-year-daughter who is actually his.

  What genre is this? The "Hi, I'm your son/daughter" motif is often used in comedy (this would have to be dark comedy because of the terminal illness). But this can also be suspense, straight drama, dramedy, even action.

• on (Comedy:) When a narcissistic matinee idol gets lost in in the highlands of forested Africa with his co-starring love interest, he must get them both to safety before the legendary Congo Kong slaughters them.

  Thanx, dpg. Your comments made me re-think the story line, and I've come up with a new logline, which I'm entering separate from this one. ...............j

• on (Drama) Eight strangers will be forced to make a decision that will alter each other?s lives forever. Whether for love, success, money, loyalty, redemption or life itself, the only thing they know for sure is that one way or another, they must choose.

  Who is the protagonist? What is his/her goal? What's keeping him/her from that goal? What's this decision he/she has to make?

• on (Comedy:) When a narcissistic matinee idol gets lost in in the highlands of forested Africa with his co-starring love interest, he must get them both to safety before the legendary Congo Kong slaughters them.

  And how about if I add "vicious poachers and" so it reads: When he and his co-star get lost in Africa's deepest forest highlands, a narcissistic matinee idol must guide them to safety while being stalked by vicious poachers and…

• on (Comedy:) When a narcissistic matinee idol gets lost in in the highlands of forested Africa with his co-starring love interest, he must get them both to safety before the legendary Congo Kong slaughters them.

  'Nother tweak: When he and his co-star get lost in Africa's deepest forest highlands, a narcissistic matinee idol must guide them to safety while being stalked by a ferocious giant gorilla.

• on The resourceful best friend and panicked boyfriend of a young girl in suburbia struggle to overcome a shady drug dealer, and the cops, in order to defeat the satanic forces possessing her.

  Be careful with "surprise twist" endings. They seldom work, unless you're a master at it (like 'The Sixth Sense'); more often, they're predictable and so much emphasis is placed on the "twist" that character development and plot believability go out…

• on Abused and neglected throughout his childhood, a United States Army Ranger must shelve his wantings of a victorious death on the battlefield in order to rescue his sister from sex servitude, and to bring the people responsible for his years of suffering and trauma, to justice.

  I'll second both of the above. (I've found both of those guys are quite astute when it comes to loglines.) In addition, I'm having a hard time following how everything's interrelated. You'll want an outer and an inner goal ...…

• on (Comedy:) When a narcissistic matinee idol gets lost in in the highlands of forested Africa with his co-starring love interest, he must get them both to safety before the legendary Congo Kong slaughters them.

  Terrific Richie. And with a few more tweaks: When he and his co-star get lost in the Congo's deepest jungle, a narcissistic matinee idol must guide them to safety while being stalked by a ferocious giant gorilla. Just wondering two…

• on (Comedy:) When a narcissistic matinee idol gets lost in in the highlands of forested Africa with his co-starring love interest, he must get them both to safety before the legendary Congo Kong slaughters them.

  Hi Richie -- How's the logline with this minor tweak: (Comedy:) When a narcissistic matinee idol gets lost in in the highlands of forested Africa with his co-starring love interest, he must get them both to safety before the legendary…