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Struggling to relate to others, a pet psychiatrist spins out of control thanks to his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.
I got it... thanks, Jim -- actually I just posted a fourth last night.
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A young mineworker with considerable magical powers, yearning for a better life, manages to gain an apprenticeship with a dark group of wizards, and soon learns that finding personal happiness entails as many deadly perils as choosing sides in the struggles between power-hungry factions.
Well, things have changed a lot since I originally wrote it. But I think you'll get the idea if you want to read the first 3 chapters (I can send you more, if you want): http://jefferycotton.com/first-chapters-from-war-of-the-unwanted/war-of-the-unwanted/
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Struggling to relate to others, a pet psychiatrist spins out of control thanks to his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.
Which kind of takes us back to my original suggestion: "A pet psychiatrist, struggling with his human relationships,??
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A young mineworker with considerable magical powers, yearning for a better life, manages to gain an apprenticeship with a dark group of wizards, and soon learns that finding personal happiness entails as many deadly perils as choosing sides in the struggles between power-hungry factions.
I think that's certainly closer to what she would want. A friend of mine who is an obsessive reader of fantasy (and has read my 30-page synopsis), also didn't like it and suggested something more like this: "A mineworker with…
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A young mineworker with considerable magical powers, yearning for a better life, manages to gain an apprenticeship with a dark group of wizards, and soon learns that finding personal happiness entails as many deadly perils as choosing sides in the struggles between power-hungry factions.
Well, my editor doesn't like it: "First, I don't like "blessed" as it sounds religious. And at the start he barely has any powers and struggles to increase them. I think of a blessing as being something that comes easily…
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Struggling to relate to others, a pet psychiatrist spins out of control thanks to his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.
Terrific -- you still have the subordinate clause to start, but, in this case it works as it puts the character closer to the things he is risking. It works!
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A young mineworker with considerable magical powers, yearning for a better life, manages to gain an apprenticeship with a dark group of wizards, and soon learns that finding personal happiness entails as many deadly perils as choosing sides in the struggles between power-hungry factions.
OH... but I do like your change to the first part... only just noticed it. Will use that. And by the way, I already posted it on facebook and got one hilarious response: "So, he's the average American voter?" Hey,…
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A young mineworker with considerable magical powers, yearning for a better life, manages to gain an apprenticeship with a dark group of wizards, and soon learns that finding personal happiness entails as many deadly perils as choosing sides in the struggles between power-hungry factions.
Ha! Well, I think we're getting into "six dozen of one, half of the other territory" (sic -- my grandmother used to say that when things were going over the edge). I like what you suggest -- more active --…
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A young mineworker with considerable magical powers, yearning for a better life, manages to gain an apprenticeship with a dark group of wizards, and soon learns that finding personal happiness entails as many deadly perils as choosing sides in the struggles between power-hungry factions.
Oh yes! how about "duplicitous" -- that describes them to a T. And yes, I think the adjective before "life" can come out altogether. So: A mineworker, blessed with magical powers that earn him an apprenticeship with a group of…
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Struggling to relate to others, a pet psychiatrist spins out of control thanks to his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.
Let me clarify that last one: it would make sense if he risked everything because his is e.g. "obsessed with" those things, or "tormented by" those things, something along those lines. I don't know WHY he is risking all these…
