A young mineworker with considerable magical powers, yearning for a better life, manages to gain an apprenticeship with a dark group of wizards, and soon learns that finding personal happiness entails as many deadly perils as choosing sides in the struggles between power-hungry factions.

"finding personal happiness" is too abstract and not an "exploitable commercial element". It should be in the theme rather than in the logline.

Well, things have changed a lot since I originally wrote it. But I think you'll get the idea if you want to read the first 3 chapters (I can send you more, if you want):

http://jefferycotton.com/first-chapters-from-war-of-the-unwanted/war-of-the-unwanted/

Agreed - "sect" is a better word. And I'm with you again - while it's good, it gives up too much (doesn't leave anything to the imagination).

Question: does the MC have the ability to alter the outcome? Is that ability directly related to his magic powers? Or simply the impact of his decision to join one sect or the other?

If you want to share your 30-pager with me, then that could help me wrap my arms around this one.

I think that's certainly closer to what she would want.

A friend of mine who is an obsessive reader of fantasy (and has read my 30-page synopsis), also didn't like it and suggested something more like this:

"A mineworker with the ability to alter the outcome of a war between power-hungry factions, earns his apprenticeship under a sect of duplicitous wizards, but then must choose between the factions in order to gain the life he desires."

Not great, and gives too much away (the MC does become the linchpin in the result of the war, but we don't want to say that here, i don't think), but I do like some of the more vivid language -- "sect" instead of "group", the reference to war (the title of the book is "War of the Unwanted").

Ok, back to the drawing board. We can make some adjustments. So if he comes INTO the magic powers, then how about this?

A mineworker, who struggles to control his newfound magical powers, earns an apprenticeship with a group of dupliticitous wizards and discovers that he can only live the life he seeks by choosing between warring, power-hungry factions.?

Not giving up on this!! :-) Let me know if this works; otherwise, we can bounce ideas back and forth until we get there.

Well, my editor doesn't like it: "First, I don't like "blessed" as it sounds religious. And at the start he barely has any powers and struggles to increase them. I think of a blessing as being something that comes easily and Tyrlak is fighting to learn to do magic. (Of course, he really has lots of it, but is fighting to learn to control it, but that doesn't translate to a blessing either.)"

You're very welcome! And greatly appreciate your help with shaping mine, too.

LOL - well, 'tis the voting season! :-)

OH... but I do like your change to the first part... only just noticed it. Will use that.

And by the way, I already posted it on facebook and got one hilarious response: "So, he's the average American voter?" Hey, I could do worse than having my fantasy novel be allegory for American politics, right?

Ha! Well, I think we're getting into "six dozen of one, half of the other territory" (sic -- my grandmother used to say that when things were going over the edge).

I like what you suggest -- more active -- BUT, he hasn't found that life yet, and won't until the end of Book 1 -- of course, that sets off a whole new set of problems that we meet in book 2.

Thanks so much for your input, Jim! I appreciate it very much.

Jeff