Chris Andrews

Penpusher · 35 points

265 points to Logliner

1 logline
23 reviews

An immortal warrior-princess from another universe unexpectedly falls in love with a human boy while hunting the shapechanger that murdered her parents.

May 6, 2012

on ?An art forgery investigator deciphers location of stolen diamonds using her brother’s diary that mysteriously appears at her doorstep. She embarks on a hunt for the treasure finding her family lost decades ago and the truth about her father who masterminded an international heist.?

Sounds intriguing. I'd recommend streamlining it so it's a little less complicated. The logline is getting lost in the detail of the story.
on An unhinged loner masquerading in his late father?s police uniform investigates the apparent suicide of his only friend, a rookie Los Angeles cop with a dark secret. Can he walk the thin blue line?

Interesting premise and a movie I'd like to see. I've only got two suggestions - getting rid of the second sentence as it's both a cliche and unnecessary, and finding a stronger hook as the situation itself may not be…
on The B-Team at Australia's Cyber Security Operations Centre are a mix of nerds, screw-ups and outcasts. They are tasked with protecting the nation from cyber crime and foreign espionage.

Sounds like a fun comedy. You've given us the situation and something about the characters, but I'd like to know more about the sorts of stories/relationships the show will present, or the main story arc if you have one. Otherwise…
on The transformation of Angelo d?Angelo, a New York hit man who is unwittingly embraced into the bosom of a simple, rural Australian community. For the first time, Angelo learns that love and family are just as effective as any weapon he?s ever known

I like the concept, and can see lots of possibilities for this. I think it's a little too busy and could be cut down considerably. I'd suggest reducing it to something like: 'A New York hit man unwittingly enbraced into…
on When a teenage hitchhiker under the protection of an obsessed tracker is kidnapped by the same pack of werewolves he is hunting, his only chance to resuce her requires him to suppress his hatred and form an alliance with a rival pack.

While I love a good werewolf story, I think this is a little too busy and wordy. I'd suggest pegging it back a bit to something closer to Lachlan Huddy's advice, though I'd clarify or reconsider the use of the…
on A debilitated wildlife ranger discovers mutilated human remains, survives a Lycanthrope attack. He struggles to find safety from a group of sadistic werewolf hunters hot on his tail

I love a good werewolf story! Having seen a few, I can suggest that although the concept is workable, I'm not sure the logline helps it stand apart enough. ie, standard werewolf story. I think it needs a little more…
on Intelligent, yet emotionally broken and poor WWI veteran is laughed out of the room when he applies jobs at large banks during the 1920s boom, until he finds a mentor in the head of a near-bankrupt bank who gives him a job and helps him hone his trading skills before the Crash of ?29, when the hero executes a series of very complex trades, designed to take down each of the banks which underestimated him, one by one.

Nice concept, but way too wordy. Cut it back to under 25 words for a cleaner, clearer logline. I'd suggest figuring out exactly what's most important to the protagonist, as well as what's standing in his way, and using that…
on Two Missionaries traveling from door to door on their mission of good must now fight for their lives when they knock on the wrong door riddled with evil.

Not bad - gives a decent picture of what the movie will be about, the genre and tone, and the characters. Even so, I think you could tighten it up a bit, ie, "Two missionaries must fight for their lives…
on "Two world-class cage fighters find themselves entangled in a secret, gay love affair with one another. Risking all they?ve battled for, with devastating consequences and a powerful climax."

Hi jamesmichael, The premise is interesting, but I'd like to know which of the cage fighters carries the theme and what's standing in their way. The stakes seem to be pretty clear - they're in a relationship that's looked upon…
on Ed Noble?s world falls apart when a suicide bomber murders his family. Holding the bomber?s spiritual leader responsible, Ed resorts to desperate measures to bring him to account.

Hi Tim. I like this - it gives me a fairly solid idea about what to expect if I were to read the script. Revenge/action/thriller is my first impression. Thoughts: I'd suggest you don't name the protagonist though - give…

An immortal warrior-princess from another universe unexpectedly falls in love with a human boy while hunting the shapechanger that murdered her parents.