When his brother is shot dead during a botched bank robbery to re-claim their family inheritance, a disenchanted book keeper must face a suspicious and obstinate Bank Manager, the cops, and his fear of public speaking to finish the job.

What about:

When a disenchanted book keeper learns that his family inheritance has been locked in the wrong safe deposit box at a small town bank, he enlists the help of his reformed ex-con brother to steal it back.

You have hit the nail on the head in regards to one of the main problems I have had with this story.

Originally, the inheritance was passed from the Father to his next door neighbor (on a neighboring farm), who died before getting the inheritance to the brothers -- of course this doesn't work for a number of reasons, or at least is quite a stretch.

Since playing around with the logine I've had a similar idea to your suggestion, that is, having the Bank Manager be the one who is behind the legal legerdermain...

Anyway, huge thanks again dpg. Your advice, as always, has been extremely helpful.

" mislaid in a dead neighbors safe deposit box at the bank"

Okay, but mislaid doesn't raise a strong enough dramatic justification for breaking into the bank. A mislaid inheritance can be recovered by legal recourse; there is no need to rob the bank.

But if it's been stolen by legal legerdermain -- all legal remedies have been exhausted -- then breaking into the bank can be dramatically justified.

Thanks Richiev -- I've been re-working this for awhile and am really struggling with concisely stating the relevant elements, as you've pointed out.

The brothers discover that the inheritance left to them by their Father has been mislaid in a dead neighbors safe deposit box at the bank. One of the brothers is a reformed ex-con, and the other brother (the book keeper with the fear of public speaking...) convinces his ex-con brother to help him rob the bank to get at the inheritance; the plan is for the book keeper to play the role of hostage at the start of the heist (posing as a customer), then break open the safe deposit box, while the ex-con brother plays the role of single perpetrator, controlling the staff and customers. The Bank Manager gets his hands on a gun and shoots the ex-con brother during the heist, and the book keeper is faced with the dilemma of finishing the job or losing the inheritance...

This is my first screenplay, and towards the end of my first draft really felt that I had bitten off more than I could chew (which could be true given the complications of the logline...), and am really only now trying to zero in on the point of the whole thing.

I'll keep plugging away.

Thanks again.

This logline has a lot of different elements, but because it isn't clear how these elements relate, the logline is a bit confusing.

First, "When his brother is shot dead during a botched bank robbery," It isn't clear if his brother was the one robbing the bank or if he was a victim during a robbery.

"To re-claim their family inheritance" I am not sure what this has to do with a bank robbery or his brothers death.

"a disenchanted book keeper must face.... his fear of public speaking" again this seems to come out of nowhere. It is unclear how fear of public speaking relates to the bank robbery or the family inheritance.

So I like that you have a bunch of different elements but you may want to be more clear as to how it all relates.

Hope that helps, good luck with this.