When his 7-year-old son drops the c-bomb in class, Jack, a kind hearted but foul mouthed family man, is given an ultimatum by his wife, sex or swearing.

Sounds like a funny idea. What if the Dad had some form of Tourettes that he's been concealing by pretending to be some regular Joe all this time?

Agreed. Perhaps you could make the dad a notoriously foul-mouthed stand-up comic who makes his living on the F-Word. He'd have a lot to lose.

That's a fair point, patrockable, however, the character I'm trying to create can't simply do that. But if I can't get that across in the logline, then I have issues.

Stakes too low, I'm finding it hard to care. Obviously you just stop swearing. THE END.

Main external goal is to win back the affections of his wife, who is being hit on by his high school nemesis. I'm just struggling to get it in the logline without bogging it down.

Back to the drawing board.

Thanks for your feedback.

Well, I just don't see Jack's goal yet. I get his inner need (to hide true self), but maybe his external goal could be, say, to win the annual swearing contest at his local bar (his former bully is the current three-time champion); or maybe his goal is to publish the definitive dictionary of swearing; or, I don't know...

Good feedback. I think hyphenated is correct.

When I try and get the antagonist, high school nemesis (and also son's new teacher) and protagonist's final goal (overcome swearing to be at one with himself and bring his family together), the logline just gets too long.

Maybe sharkeatingman is correct, and the concept is flawed.

I might try and bash some out that don't include the inciting incident (kid swearing at school) and focus more on protagonist goal and antagonist.

Aggghhh!

To me this version feels tighter.

I am trying to recall my grammar, but I think "kindhearted" and "foulmouthed" is either hyphenated or written as one word.

That protagonist seems passive: we know his kid is swearing, his wife is giving ultimatums -- but what is Jack doing?

I posted another logline of this concept earlier. This version doesn't mention the protagonists love of sex (previously pussy!). Interested in which one you think is better.