5 reviews
>>When a town drunk ...
Okay for the script. Extraneous for a logline. That he's a drunk is good enough -- and it shortens the logline by a word.
>>>gains ninja skills through a dodgy backyard experiment
"Dodgy backyard experiment" seems rather general, vague.? The elements of an inciting incident ought to be specific. It's like me saying that while walking down a street one day, something happened.? And it was an inciting incident for a new chapter in my life.?
In fact, something did happen to me while walking along one day that radically changed my life.? But you have no idea of what it was, hence, why it qualifies as a meaningful inciting incident in my life.
And since it's a comedy, does the experiment bear an ironic relationship to the protagonist's defining characteristic and/or character flaw?? Which in this case are the same:? he's an alcoholic?? ?IOW: is there a thematic thread that ties these story elements together?
>> he has seven days to use them and rescue his friend who?s been kidnapped by a ruthless bike gang.
Again, is there a thematic thread that ties all these seemingly disparate elements (drunk... experiment... ninja skills... defeat a biker gang) together?
As I understand it, the hook of your story is? that something magical happens that transforms a loser into a winner.? It qualifies as a hook in the sense that it hooks into one of the archetype embedded in the human psyche:? the psychic hunger for stories about frogs who magically become princes, underdogs who magically become uber-dogs.
That is good -- and necessary but I don't think it is sufficient.? Why?? Because there are so many underdog magically made into uber-dog scripts that likewise hook into that archetype. Your logline needs to feature something extra to make it stand out from the pack.
I'm partially hooked to your story because of the archetype.? But not yet (but want to be, per the archetype) fully hooked because of so many other stories? that likewise leverage the archetype.
fwiw
What's the hook of the story?? A friend gets kidnapped?? Or a drunk mysteriously/magically acquires ninja skills as the unintended side effects of an experimental therapy (or drug?) intended to help him recover sobriety?
I say lead with the hook even if it's not technically the "inciting incident".?
fwiw
haha I got it. Yeah, I feel the problem with being wordy. It seems that some situation really don't fit the "if-then".
When a brain experiment goes wrong, a town drunk acquire ninja skills and seek to save his kidnaped friend before the skills expire.
The problem I think is that the inciting incident seems to be the kidnapping...? other more experienced users hopefully will contribute in.. but if you use it as inciting incident:
When a friend got kidnapped, a town drunk volunteer to a brain experiement that fails but gives him ninja skills. He must rescue her before the skills expire. Ops 2 sentences.