Where screenwriters learn the form and logline their screen ideas.
A sullen IT Manager with a deep history that he tries to leave behind, is hit with tragedy when he loses everything. Seeking vengeance over the loss of the love of his life is forced to go after the one thing he holds dear. His family.
>>>He discovers that they were responsible for the death of his fiancee.
Surely that would be the inciting incident then.
After discovering his family are responsible for his fianc?'s death...
Sullen IT manager: I think there may be a better way to describe this guy. The characteristic (sullen) is usually something that can help represent the character's internal arc in the story (selfish -> compassionate / sad -> happy) so think how you could use this to your advantage. By telling us he's an IT Manager, we can assume that this comes into play somehow i.e. he uses his knowledge of technology to take down his family. If it has no bearing on the story then maybe make his profession something that could come into play.
Hope this helps.
A logline should be 1 sentence and ideally no more than 40 words (but preferably as few as possible). Check out the formula tab for help with how to format a logline.
As CraigDGriffiths said, specificity is good. Deep history - what's that? Tragedy - what happened? Vengeance - on who? Love of his life - who/what's this? Has he just lost the love of his life or everything?
Also, currently you seem to have two goals. 1) seeking vengeance 2) protecting his family (although I'm confused by who he is protecting his family from). Which is his primary goal?
Removing certain words can easily reduce your logline down. "is hit with tragedy" - you've told us he loses everything, a reader would understand that's tragic. "a deep history that he tries to leave behind" - be more specific e.g. "ex-con" or "recovering alcoholic" or "retired hitman". All of those would hint at a history that he might want to leave behind and can also give us clues as to the nature of the story. For example - if you said "ex-con" we could assume that his criminal past is catching up with him and his old friends might be the antagonistic forces working against him.
Hope this helps. I look forward to the next draft.
Keep it as close as possible to 30 words and as Craig wrote describe the plot with specifics. Use a specific description for the main character, a specific event that motivates him to take action and describe a specific goal.
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