The misguided desire of a narcissistic military scientist brings about the creation of a narcotic with the premise of world peace, however his pursuit of global mind control is in danger when a human test subject re-awakens from the zombie like state.

devils breath

9 reviews

lewisricekrispy Penpusher · 2 pts

The villains goal and personality traits make him unaware of how bad or evil he is. He believes everything he is doing is for the good of man. His point of view is that he is the protagonist, and anyone who doesn't go along with him is a kind of antagonist (the main one being the guy who comes out of the control he's been under).
Most of the story will be told through the good guys account of events, bar a few flash back scenes. However the story will be split amoungst the two, making them both the heroes (in a sense) of their tales.

I'm now going to try and add the heroes goals in as advised. Thanks for all advice and comments so far.

Richiev Singularity · 82,714 pts

The lead character is the one taking action. In this case it seems to be the misguided scientist. In fact after reading your logline I would never have guessed that the scientist wasn't the lead character.

lewisricekrispy Penpusher · 2 pts

Thanks for the input. A problem i'm facing is that the heroes goal could be seen as rather dull. His goal to begin with is to merly be free from control, later on it is to stop the villain.

10PTT-COM Penpusher · 90 pts

"When a test subject reawakens from a narcotic that flatlines people's emotions, he must stop a military scientist from [dispersing the drug by airburst over Tehran in the name of world peace.]"

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The problem is, you left out the protagonist's goal. I added an example.

Refocusing the LL on the protag is easier if you can describe specific goals for both hero and villain -- or one of them, at least, because we can infer the other. The two goals are likely to be perfectly inverted.

BAD GUY: wants to subdue the enemy "in the name of world peace". We understand what a crazy, misguided goal this is without stating outright he's "narcissistic."

GOOD GUY: We understand the story will run all the way up to that final decisive event: the airburst. There's our climax. Sometimes it can be counterproductive to include the final showdown in the LL. Spoilers. But here I think it works by counterpointing "in the name of world peace."

So, go back and add in your own explicit protag goal. What does the hero want?

lewisricekrispy Penpusher · 2 pts

Dakofman. The hero is the test subject. The antagonist is the villain (but of his narcasistic traits he is unaware of how truly evil he is).
I've tried making the Logline more hero based, but it wasn't working for me. Key ellements of my tale were missing. The evil guy logline gives away more of the story then my hero logline version.

thanks.

dakofman 0 pts

Need a bit more info. It's unclear if the hero is the test subject who breaks free or the scientist attempting to craft world peace by drugging people. If it's the scientist, then I can't tell what he's fighting against.