10PTT-COM

Recent reviews

• on When a college-dropout moves to Montana to work at a Honky Tonk, he meets a broke cowgirl and falls in love, only to find out that they both compete at a local poetry slam contest for a literature scholarship and a new life.

  Your logline is too dense with information. ?Brushstrokes only. ?Forgo the fine details."A college dropout new to Montana falls for a broke cowgirl ? then discovers?she's competing against him for the grand prize?at the local poetry slam."44 words to 26,…

• on Armed with the power of a legendary Trident from another world, a soft-spoken teen must battle against the wrath of an aquatic alien species as well as that of his best friend, all who whom seek the Trident for their own purposes.

  You don't have a complete logline, so I'll just riff on what's there... "A crippled teen battles aquatic aliens to possess a legendary trident with the power to rule the seven oceans." - If the protag has the trident, the…

• on The misguided desire of a narcissistic military scientist brings about the creation of a narcotic with the premise of world peace, however his pursuit of global mind control is in danger when a human test subject re-awakens from the zombie like state.

  "When a test subject reawakens from a narcotic that flatlines people's emotions, he must stop a military scientist from [dispersing the drug by airburst over Tehran in the name of world peace.]" ----- The problem is, you left out the…

• on When viciously harassed during an online game, reticent Kara befriends a nice-guy who comes to her defence, but as she begins to suspect his dark motives Kara must expose him before the game becomes fatal.

  Too dense. Let's break down the story elements -- 1. Kara viciously harassed during an online game 2. Kara befriends her rescuer 3. Kara begins to believe her rescuer has sinister motives 4. Kara must expose him before the game…

• on "When Paul, a lonely high school student, starts seeing his negative emotions manifest in the form of people he will have to confront the greatest enemy of all: himself."

  YOURS: "When Paul, a lonely high school student, starts seeing his negative emotions manifest in the form of people he will have to confront the greatest enemy of all: himself." (29 words) I've taken some liberties and extrapolated some plot…

• on A high school's phys ed class's weekend hike through the woods turns into something deadly when classmates start to die

  "A student weekend hike in the woods turns deadly when classmates start to die." Even though it's brutally brief -- and I agree thoroughly with dpg's comment -- despite everything, I like this LL. It raises its middle finger at…

• on A former Marines first day at Walmart is turned upside down when eco-terrorist capture the store and take his sister hostage.

  The character flaw is welcome. We can keep it short by switching to the "PTSD" acronym -- it's common enough, right? And we can do some "2+2" instead of stating outright he was discharged for PTSD. We're told he's an…

• on An ex-marine turned assassin, reconsiders his occupation when he finds out he has a sister: A detective that's hot on his trail.

  Yours: "An ex-marine turned assassin reconsiders his occupation when he finds out he has a sister: A detective that's hot on his trail." - Which comes first: discovery he has a sister or learning there's a cop hot on his…

• on A gambling drug addict, struggles to reunite with his family while escaping an iconic resort’s sinister nightman with pious motives.

  "On an island resort, a gambling drug addict searches for his family while pursued by a sinister nightman who punishes sinners." - Interesting to contemplate if the protag is a gambling drug addict or a drug-addict gambler. Kind of a…

• on A recovering alcoholic, teetering on the brink of relapse, uncovers a shadowy 12-step labyrinth of blackmail, human trafficking and murder while he probes the brutal death of his sponsor.

  "An alcoholic near relapse probes the brutal death of his sponsor and uncovers a shadowy 12-step labyrinth of blackmail, human trafficking and murder."

• on A former Marines first day at Walmart is turned upside down when eco-terrorist capture the store and take his sister hostage.

  First, a spelling pass (yeah, I'm THAT guy, sorry): "A former [m]arine[']s first day at Walmart is turned upside down when eco-terrorist[s] capture the store and take his sister hostage." This LL touches all the bases with no excess blather…