Series logline:?During the Great Die-Up of 1886, a frontiersman with a dark, shameful past must protect the family he?s taking refuge with from his old Civil War captain, now a deranged U.S. Marshal, who along with his posse is under orders from an unscrupulous company to take their land.

Thats okay. It will but not in the pilot.

It sounds like a movie, not a series. Try another series logline, a first season logline if there's more than one, and a pilot logline.

thedarkhorse:

Thanks for the clarification.? ?Your clarification re-frames the story in my semi-deranged brain.

On the aspect of the story involving the Native Americans, I presume your story deals with the irony and tragedy that the main? White characters are fighting over land that originally and rightfully belongs to the Native Americans.? The Whites are immigrant invaders, usurpers, squatters.

Also - I might go back to the last one with this. I can't help but feel I'm just tweaking/grinding away at it now.

"During a harsh winter, a wanted frontiersman must protect the family he's taking refuge with from a unscrupulous company that wants their land".

I got a request from this one and someone here liked it. Once again - the next time I write something I'll come with new knowledge of loglines/marketing/hook/bait. I'll have that in mind when doing that first logline.

Cheers everyone.

The antagonist killed their captain and took control of the situation. The show is about that moral grey area of when killing is justified.

In this case, it is - however the antagonist slowly shows off his true colours as a psychopath and a man who genuinely wants to see blood. (The kinda guy who really shouldn't have a gun in his hand). Meanwhile our protagonist is living alone in the snow wilderness (we learn his self-imposed isolation is almost a penance) - he's a misanthrope because he hates humanity and what humanity (and what he himself) is capable of. His dark past is that he killed a Native American boy - which will be addressed when he and the antagonist are taken prisoner by Native Americans. Another theme is the "circle of violence" - you do violence to someone, then they'll do violence to you or someone else, and then it never ends. It's a circle.

The protagonist and antagonist share the same darkness - they've both done terrible things. But only one is haunted by it. It's kind of a horror film in a way - to find out you have something in common with someone so evil. I think that's terrifying (especially to find out/or know that you are the bad guy).

thedarkhourse:

What's the backstory between your protagonist and? antagonist when they fought together --instead of against each other -- in the Civil War?

Yeah - I agree with it being too long and a mouthful.

Deranged - well I was gonna psychopathic. I considered power-tripping. He?s my Daniel Plainview meets Travis Bickle. He?s a ticking time bomb.?

Hmm - yeah I see what you?re saying.?

Chopped down version: During the Great Die-Up of 1886, a frontiersman must protect the family he?s taking refuge with from an unscrupulous company that wants their land.

At 48 words, the logline is t-o-o long. ( I conclude from? my statistical analysis of hundreds of loglines, that the maximum tolerable length? is 40 words.? See the chart I posted in a thread? in 2016.? I've added 140 more loglines to the sample since; the distribution and conclusion holds.)

So where to trim?? Well, I suggest "with a dark shameful past" is extraneous.? For the purpose of a logline, "dark past" must signal that it will come back and bite the protagonist in the present; it will threaten his chances of succeeding.? It must create conflict in the present and suspense as to future.

And more interesting than the "dark past" is that he's pitted against his old Civil War captain.? I would refocus the logline around that conflicted relationship.

Making the marshal his old Civil War captain is interesting.?

Anyway, it's your story.? You've already written the script.? So whatever.

?

At 48 words, the logline is t-o-o long. ( I conclude from? my statistical analysis of hundreds of loglines, that the maximum tolerable length? is 40 words.? See the chart I posted in a thread? in 2016.? I've added 140 more loglines to the sample since; the distribution and conclusion holds.)

So where to trim?? Well, I suggest "with a dark shameful past" is extraneous.? For the purpose of a logline, "dark past" must signal that it will come back and bite the protagonist in the present; it will threaten his chances of succeeding.? It must create conflict in the present and suspense as to future.

And more interesting than the "dark past" is that he's pitted against his old Civil War captain.? I would refocus the logline around that conflicted relationship.

Making the marshal his old Civil War captain is interesting.?

Anyway, it's your story.? You've already written the script.? So whatever.

?